It's risky to write what I am about to write. Family reads this, friends read this and people who have no business knowing my business read it and hey, it's my fault! I'm the one airing my dirty laundry on the web! Right?!
Anyway, I've decided to go ahead and write this because it will help me and there are a few of you out there that will understand and know how to pray for me. When I have a day like I am having today, I have to look closely at what is going on in my life to make sure I am not letting my emotions get to me. So just in case you are wondering, no it's not that time of the month!
There is a lot on my mind right now. So much that I am struggling with severe insomnia. I'm trying to choose carefully what I type because I know my husband will see this and I don't want him to worry about me or feel like he has done something wrong. After the bankruptcy in 2007, we knew that we would have to rent a house for two to three years. Moving to Austin was exciting because we new it symbolized a fresh start and the fact that we have ZERO debt is absolutely awesome. It's incredible! We are FREE from credit cards! No one calls my home wondering where a payment is, no late notices in the mail, no one threatening us and no temptation to put something stupid on a credit card like clothes or vacations! Obviously we moved here to help plant a church but God had different reasons. Obviously.
Being set free from all of the debt is a huge relief to say the least. But the one thing that is very difficult for me to feel is settled. When you buy a home, you know you can't move for several years (if you want to make money and not lose it). Renting kind of gives you a way out. You don't have to stay forever. In our case, a year and the lease is up. This house we are renting is beautiful, I've decorated it and made it our home. It's big, it's got tons of extra space and it's affordable but the utilities are not! Last month our electric bill was $438!!! That's for a family that keeps the heat on 70 even when it's freezing and the house is still cold! It's not a well built home at all. The heat does not even come out of the boy's room. Nothing at all comes from the vent so the Summer is blazing and the Winter is freezing. And honestly, I NEVER want to live in a two story house again! Well, maybe when my kids are older. All of that to say, we have decided to find a cheaper home and a one story.
When we first moved to Austin, we had moved from our custom home back in Dallas, one we could not afford. We loved that house, the location, everything about it! My pride was not broken down enough yet so when we moved here, I was still looking for major upgrades in the rent homes we looked at. I was PICKY! Now, I don't care. I don't care if it's 1,400 sq ft instead of 2,300, I can make it work! I don't care anymore if I have a flat cook top and fancy microwave. I don't care! I just want to get somewhere affordable. So we are moving to a different house in the same area or maybe in the same city my husband works in, if we can find a house there.
Today it kind of hit me that we are moving again and how hard it will be to move this family of five again and all the expenses that come with AND all the work I will have to put in to having services transferred, etc. It makes me CRY when I think about it. And while things are going well with Jeremy's job and while we have made incredible friends, I've been attacked today with the thought of moving back. I know we can't and I know we won't and I know it would hurt Jeremy if I mentioned it (sorry Babe) but for the first time in a LONG time, I've wondered. I use the word attacked because I feel like my emotions are being attacked right now and I think the enemy would love to get me moving in that direction. How many times did the Israelites want to go back to Egypt? Why on earth would they even consider it? Why not continue on the journey to the Promise Land? Why would anyone long to go back to slavery? I have my ideas and I know why I think I do, but today is just me confessing the struggle.
So here I am confessing it, I want to go back. I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel different.
Exodus 14:10-12
As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw them— Egyptians! Coming at them!
They were totally afraid. They cried out in terror to God. They told Moses, "Weren't the cemeteries large enough in Egypt so that you had to take us out here in the wilderness to die? What have you done to us, taking us out of Egypt? Back in Egypt didn't we tell you this would happen? Didn't we tell you, 'Leave us alone here in Egypt—we're better off as slaves in Egypt than as corpses in the wilderness."
I am thinking a lot of this has to do with how bad I want to go running but the weather has been nothing but rain and freezing cold weather. I'm a Texan and when I say it's cold, it's cold! We are not accustom to this! :) So I am praying for some warmer weather soon because my MIND and Body needs a long run!
15 comments:
I think part of it is good 'ol days syndrome. We moved from Frisco to Euless and I had nothing but fond memories of where we were. I went back for the first time this weekend, and realized I don't miss it at ALL!!! Keep your head up and remember, you are where God wants you to be!
I completely understand about the utilities! We have struggled since we bought this house about whether or not we should move. We also say we will never ever buy a two story again. It is just too hard with the kids. Having said that we are not renting and to sell and find something else just seems out of the question. Every once in a while we re-visit this idea as well.
Good luck and I'm praying for you!
praying....
I am so praying for you right now!! I know that feeling so well of wanting to move "HOME". It would make things so much easier for me to be closer to family. Please just remember GOD is using you here in such a huge way in the music ministry. So when you think about moving think about the smile on GOd's face when you are leading people in worship on Sunday mornings......
I love ya!!
I understand too. And I agree that God is using you in such a big way where He has you now. Keep your eyes on Him and He will give you the strength you need.
Thanks for sharing your struggle! I love your heart!
Love to you friend...I am praying!
My situation is different from yours, I'm sure but I can totally relate to looking back towards Egypt. We moved to VA from TX over 8 years ago and there were days (sometimes weeks, sometimes months) where I still regretted our move...wished I could change things....head back to sweet Texas where the world was right and people waved at you on the road and called you ma'm!
Now VA is home. Truly home. I never thought I would say that and while I will ALWAYS miss Texas, it's not the same kind of "miss".
Practically speaking in regard to the two-story and your heating expense I can tell you this. In VA, almost all houses are two-story and we had trouble adjusting at first. Can you shut vents off in order to force air into the right spots? I shut all my bathroom and utility room vents since we spend little time in there. I keep bedroom doors closed at night and that seems to help too. I know if you have a two-story foyer it can be a real booger to keep warm air where you need it. There are some awesome (and safe) space heaters that might help, as well as heating blankets for nighttime. We turn our heat way down at night but it does run A BUNCH during the day.
Remember, I am a Texan and I hate being cold! I still have to have a scalding hot bath every single night just to thaw out my southern bones :)
Certainly if moving is in the future it will look impossibly difficult from you are right now.
It seems like no matter how many times He sees us through we are still terrified at the prospect of change....especially when it involves our homes and families.
Whatever happens, remember that through everything so far He has proven himself faithful and will continue to do so! Prayers as you seek Him and His plan.
Oh Amanda. I will definitely be uplifting you in prayer. I know how it feels when you're being attacked in that way. I don't how He'll do it, but I'll be praying that He whispers words of encouragement and strength for the next few weeks.
And may I just say congrats on the debt-free part! Jon and I are in a similar boat and it feels awesome!! No credit cards for us either. Whew!
You really do remind me so much of myself. And I know that for me when things are tough or I don't feel comfortable I want to run. To hide from anything that makes things hard. I think God has a plan for you and right now it is hard. But when you look up at the end of this you will see all you came through and be proud of yourself. You are growing and learning things that you couldnt have learned in the metroplex. He is taking you somewhere, I will pray for you this week that He will give you some peace to rely on Him during the journey.
First of all, my word! Those utilities are CRAZY! I am praying for you to find the perfect house for your sweet little family, and for peace as you move...again. I can only imagine the tempting thoughts to go back to what is familiar, and know that you recognize them for what they are and will keep the course.
Praying for blessings to abound... God has been so faithful in the past year, and I can only imagine what He has for you next. Thanks for sharing your vulnerabilities- you really do bless me, and even though we don't know one another, you are a sister in Christ. God has used you to minister in the midst of your daily life.
You are being prayed for.
You may already know this, but in case you don't, I wanted to share that you can call the energy management (or whatever they call it where you live) department of your city and ask them what the average cost per month is on electric bills in the new places you are looking at. I used to do that when I was apartment hunting. They should be able to run a report for you for whatever address you give them.
If you are anything like me, as soon as you hit "publish" on your post you felt a little scared, but also a huge sense of relief at just having written the words. Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest and then everything works itself out. God speed!
Hey Amanda!
I have never posted on your blog but am a faithful reader. I even have you linked on mine. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your heart. You are inspiring. I will be praying that you find just the right house for your family! I went through what you are experiencing a few years ago when we moved and wanted to go back so badly. Stay the course..you will get through! I promise!!!
I am sending you an email...
I think what you are feeling is normal and that we all of days of wishing we could go back - it does mean it will stick around. It will pass.
I for love that you are always honest here - I feel like this is kinda journal you share with the world and it helps so many. Just imagine if everyone shared their ups and downs they write about in their journals (assuming they have one) it would not be full of "life is great" all the time.
I feel like I am writing my own blog here - but although we did not move, I know the feeling of wanting to go back. When I quit work to go school - it was hard at times and oh how I wished I could go back to work and sit at my desk all day and get a paycheck - but usually that feeling passed - yours will too.
Hang in there!
Nancy
Erin, I have made a move from Frisco to mid cities! :) funny! Then mid cities to Central Texas. :)
Obviously I am still in my "wanna move back" funk because seeing Becca write Metroplex made me miss it even more. Not everyone knows what I mean when I say I am from the metroplex!
Thank you Kim for the advice. We would love to close vents but the thing is, very few of them work. Remind me to NEVER build a Kimball Hill home because this is what we are renting and it's built poorly or someone missed a whole lot of stuff at the inspection. The guy that owns it is an investor in CA so what does he care! And thankfully there are plenty of one stories to rent. Oh and I forgot to mention that if we stay, they are raising the rent. So, our choice is easy, yet physically hard! Man I don't want to move!
Thank you Andrea for your kind words and I look forward to checking out your blog! For someone to call me inspiring really blows me away. Thank you.
And to the rest of you, thank you for your encouragment! It makes my day.
From someone who has "gone back"...it is never the same (that place you came from, the things you did, the people you knew). We are a military family and move alot so now we have decided we don't ever want to go to the same place twice because it is such a disappointment the 2nd time around. The best place to be is where God wants you to be.
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