Jeremy has one last day at home before work gets crazy. Right now I'm home alone while he is at the park with the kids. The house is clean, the laundry is folded (for once) and I have time to myself. Remember yesterday? Well, God continues to make me check pride at the door and be honest with what's going on in my life. The truth is, I don't want to be honest, transparent or real. But, time and time again, He shows me how my transparency is something He can use. I'm not sure how He will use it. Maybe one of you can find hope through what I share. Or maybe God is trying to chip away at all the pride I have in my life. 'Cause let's be honest folks, pride stinks! It's a great thing to get rid of. So here goes an attempt to kick pride out the door!
There is a place I can go to eat all I want, drink all I want and be full. I go to this place a lot. For some reason, I find a great deal of comfort there. It's cushiony, comfortable and even satisfying. I go there so often that when I stay away for a few days, I figure out a way to go back. I've been going there since I was about five years old. In fact, I remember the first days of visiting this place. This place for a five year old was a rough place to go but after a while, I got used to it and started to find satisfaction when I was there. Now, it's my home away from home. Maybe some of you have been there. It's called SELF CONDEMNATION.
In the place of self condemnation, I relax. If I want to beat myself up or punish myself, it's the perfect place to go to hear the accuser attack. Why is it that I think I should go there when I have messed up? In fact, I am so accustom to this place, I go there even when something is not my fault. If someone hurts my feelings, if a friend attacks me, I go ahead and let them off the hook and send myself directly there. My marriage, my parenting, my relationships, any area where I feel defeated, I self condemn. This is where I hear voices of those who are against me. I hear voices of family members who said things to me as a child. Things said to me that never should have been said. I even imagine conversations being said about me. "They don't like you. They don't want to be your friend. No one ever likes you. You just cause trouble." Yuck! This is where my pride wants to come in and stop my fingers from typing. But yes, it is true. I often feel these things. I struggle to feel like I am worth someones time. It's hard for me to pick up the phone and call someone (even close friends) because I think they will see my name on caller id and not answer (can't believe I am sharing this). My self esteem is not so good. Someday it's better than other's but the majority of the time, I struggle to feel like people love me. I don't believe it for a very long time.
Today I am in that place. Instead of feeling comfortable there, I am feeling annoyed. Usually I feel I deserve to be there but today I am hating it. I'm tired of going to this place. I don't like it's surroundings anymore. Finally I am figuring out God did not make this place for me. He has posted yellow crime scene tape all over it, warning me it's not safe to enter. When I push through the tape and walk through the door, I take myself out of His will. He screams out for me not to go! Instead, I run to the door as fast I can looking for comfort.
There's a store in the mall I cannot walk into. If you go in this store, you can't hear anything, barely see anything. The music is loud, the lights are usually very dim and something about it's surroundings makes me feel angry. I hate it! Just as my skin crawls when I have entered this particular store, the same has happened today as I have gone to the place of self condemnation. Everything in me is screaming to get out of there, to stay out of there and never go back!
It's not fair to myself to go to this place. It's not fair to my family, it's not fair to my friends. Actually, it's selfish. I need help. I need to be set free. I need deliverance. I need healing.
Job 9:20 Even if I were innocent, my mouth would condemn me; if I were blameless, it would pronounce me guilty. (NIV)
Father, use this in my life to bring me closer to you. As you walk me through this, I pray you can use my testimony to show other women how to find healing in their lives. Thank you Lord for making me uncomfortable. Thank you for showing me the yellow tape as I prayed. Every single time I see that tape, I will think of an area in my life you want me to STAY OUT OF. Thank you for how you speak to me. I love you Lord, Jesus.
8 comments:
I know that place. We've probably been there at the same time, but I was too busy being all wrapped up in me to see that you were there, too.
Thank you for such an encouraging post. It was refreshingly honest.
I have struggled with self-condemnatation all my life. I even asked my Husband the other day if I had some kind of Mental Health issue. I know I can be made whole and I don't know when God will choose to do it but I know He is always on time. Thanks for being Real!!
I thought I was the only one who felt that way about calling people. I was friends with a girl for about 2 years and I still felt awkward to just call to chat.
You are doing my heart good this week. I read about the blessings of friendship in your life, and I wouldn't have pictured this being an issue for you because you have so many friends. Thank you for sharing. I also want to be set free, and to be blessed with healthy friendships.
Julie
Thanks for opening up Mandi. I live right there in that room with you. One of my main goals right now is to learn how to realize that Satan is right, I have no value. It is Christ in me that has value and worth. That because of His grace and love for me I am important.
Fight against it. God has so much better for you and your life.
Julie, thank you so much for your comment. I think my blog may not give an accurate picture of my real life. I am honest but I don't think it fully shows my struggles.
I know a lot of people, I hang out with a lot of people. I like a lot of people. But I am NOT close to a lot of people. You may see a lot of pictures of me with friends, that is true. But, I feel there are many different levels of friendships and some are not as close as others. I do not have a very many intimate friendships. They are few and far between and I think that is okay too. Sometimes I wish I had more but it's hard to find.
Please don't think I am never alone or think my phone rings of the hook. It doesn't. :)
I want friends, I need friends but I often close myself off in truly giving myself.
Thanks for sharing this. I often feel these very same things, feeling left out in the midst of a group, or overlooked as friends make plans in front of me- without me! I hate feeling unloved, and I had a very blessed and loving childhood, so I even feel self condemnation for feeling this way without a history of neglect or hurt. UGH!
Thanks for your words- you're right- God does not want us in this place. Your words will bless me as I spend time in His word this morning.
just for the record--i ALWAYS look forward to talking to you. and i always hang up the phone happy to be your friend.
Thank you for sharing your heart and being so transparent! You have blessed many including myself.
I sometimes struggle with whether to be real and share what is going on in my heart. But then I am reminded that often times God can use my struggles to help others. And that is what He is doing with you right now.
Even King Daivid spilled His guts, and it was very God honoring. :)Thanks again for being real!
Love to you!
Elizabeth
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