Oh Lord why do you ask me to pour my guts out to strangers?

Someone said something to me not too long ago that made me think. "You seem to always have something you are dealing with or working through and I am not sure how to help you." My struggles, my vent sessions became too much. It was a rude awakening. At first the comment really hurt me. I sat around thinking about all the conversations I had with this person and how I didn't feel they were all about me. This friend has also had seasons of venting and frustrating times. Her statement confused me. Apparently mine was a little more taxing. I knew what she meant. I knew she was frustrated with me and I just decided to be hurt until an afternoon run when the Holy Spirit began to set me free from feeling so "messed up." He showed me that yes, I am always working through something and that is exactly where HE wants me to be. WORKING. It may be too much for my friends but not too much for Him. (Sidenote- this is a huge area where running has not only made me physically fit but spiritually and mentally fit. It's hard to allow those things in your mind stay toxic when the Holy Spirit can get you alone and speak some truth into you. Running will do this for you!)

There is a common theme in my life. I struggle to feel loved and when I am loved, I don't really believe it. Not a very attractive quality. :) When you walk around feeling unloved, it's obvious. The signs are pretty obvious for me. I am a very talkative, energized, party going, loud, theatrical kind of girl but when my spirit is crushed or I am experiencing pain, I SHUT DOWN. I am not the "faker". No way, no how, not possible. In fact, I think life would be a lot easier for me if I could fake it! But, this is not the way God made me. My Mom said something the other day I can't get out of my head. "It's hard coping with who we are sometimes." And boy aint' that the truth?! Sometimes it's great being me. I love how easy it is for me to talk to strangers. I love how brave I am to do new things. I have a lot of spunk and passion and it shows. I like that about me. But I absolutely abhor the fact that I am so damn insecure. Those of you who don't really know me may not understand what I mean by insecure. Let me give you a picture.

I am the world's best at making friends. No problem! And I think I am really great at making people feel loved and special. But it takes me a LONG time to get through that part of a relationship of believing the person loves me. I know this has got to be hard on someone. It's exhausting trying to convince someone of your love. My husband went through it with me when we were engaged. I had NEVER had anyone like him in my life so I just knew he would change his mind. I would call him in the middle of a panic attack and ask him if he still wanted to marry me. God showed me over and over His love for me through my patient Jeremy. He never broke up with me. He never quit chasing me. He said to me one night before we were married, "I will never stop believing in you. I will never stop loving you. And if you think I will, you are believing a lie from the devil because God gave you to me. I'm not going anywhere." You can imagine what those words did for me. That's not to say the panic attacks were no more, but the road to healing was beginning to be a part of my vision.

Just yesterday a very dear friend decided to fill me up with some incredible encouragement and she said something I will never forget. "You and I have gotten through that part of you not trusting. We did it! And now I know you are okay and you know I love you." It's a conscience choice I have to make. I have to make the choice to believe someone loves me. The weird thing about this is, I am still transparent. I may not believe you love me, I may not really trust you but for some reason I still open my fat mouth and share my life.

Yes, I am pretty messed up. Not everyone has the strength, energy or "want to" to walk the road with me. Understandably. But I am so grateful for those people God uses to show His love. Each time God uses someone to penetrate the pain, I find life. Everyone has a story. Everyone has pain so it's hard sometimes to give grace when you have your own crap to deal with. God is really the only one who can transform me. He is the only one who can truly HEAL those wounds from my childhood. This weekend I realized how much healing I have yet to experience from the past. So many of us walk around like we have it all figured out but we continue unhealthy patterns. I DON'T want to live this way. I want to be free.

Last week I was thinking about someone in my life when I was a little girl that I KNEW loved me. It was not my Mom, it was not my Dad. They were in a world of their own dealing with their own stuff. This is not to say they did not love me. They did. But I did not FEEL they loved me. But there was one person that I knew loved me. His words, his actions, everything he did showed me I was safe. It was my PawPaw, my Dad's Dad. When he died, I was only nine years old. I have never wanted to go back and think about this time in my life until last week. When he died, everything changed. My Dad lost his mind, my parents marriage got worse and I lost the man who gave me a healthy place to rest, in him. He made me feel like a princess and I have been grieving him for the last week like I never have before. Obviously this is a place on my timeline that is filled with pain and was never ministered to.

I'm on a journey folks. It's a hard one sometimes. I so desire to be healthy. I so desire to walk around like I am the most loved person in the world. That's what God wants me to do! I heard Beth Moore say the other day, "He wants you to walk around like you are the most cherished and loved person on this earth because YOU ARE!"

So that is what I am trying to do. I want to walk around KNOWING I am loved. And if I am too much for those around me, that's okay. I'm not too much for GOD.