and in the midst of it

I've been going over this in my mind a lot. Do I share this? Do I not? I've had my friend Minnie on my mind and all that she went through last week and after talking with her, I feel like I can share so I will.

Last week I felt pregnant. Very pregnant. I've been pregnant four times so when you are pregnant after that many times, you know. I was nauseous, sleepy and my body was hurting in the places it usually does when you are pregnant. Need I say more?

But I kept telling myself, "There is NO WAY your are pregnant." I am not on the pill but we do use birth control and it's a very tough method. It's the strongest. Need I say more? So there was just no way! Jeremy said there was no way because we know if the BC method did not work. Well, Minnie has two boys that prove that method does not always work even if the box does say 98% effective.

So I took a test, a lot of tests. I had a positive pregnancy test. I was pregnant. Birth control method 98% effective except for me! I fell in the 2%! The whole two weeks leading up to the test, I felt horrible and I could not wrap my brain around a fourth child. I've worked so hard in my training. I'm smaller than I have ever been. I'm stronger than I have ever been. Healthier than I have ever been. My husband was asking me if I was ready for middle of the nights feedings, would I breastfeed? Would I do this? What would we do for baby clothes? I have all of AB's stuff away. And then I kept wondering why I was thinking about AB's clothes. It could be a boy or a girl. Why did I keep thinking of a girl? Regardless, my baby stuff besides a crib is gone. Jeremy was thinking of all of that. I was thinking, "I don't want to gain weight." And then I got a call from Minnie.

Minnie gave birth last week to a baby who had already died in her womb and I am wondering if I am pregnant, wondering if I am going to like being pregnant and trying to figure out if I can still run my half marathon being pregnant. I felt selfish. I felt vain. I felt convicted. Then for the next two days I kept dreaming and day dreaming about a little girl. Not sure why a little girl. Maybe because Ava Beth asks for a baby sister at least once a week. But all of the silly stuff I was worried about began to fall away. I had peace.

The weekend brought about a positive pregnancy test. Monday I began to bleed really, really bad. I knew something was up because all the running I do has caused my cycle to be almost nothing. I knew what was happening. It happens to many women. Those home pregnancy tests can be taken early and then this happen. Some women never know because they never took a test or suspected pregnancy. My Doctor says it's common. I'm physically fine. I feel great but tired and crampy. Everything seems to have slowed down this morning. Yesterday was rough. I go to the doctor Monday for a checkup and I am sure we will discuss. And yes I took another test and it was negative so my body has rejected the pregnancy.

Emotionally I am doing well. We never told anyone or called family to give them the news. The kids had no clue either. We were still trying to wrap our brains around it. :) Still trying to figure out why we had an issue with the birth control method. :) The thing I have realized though is I'm sad. Not relieved. I don't think it's any accident that God allowed this situation to happen during a transforming time in my life. I have met some of the most incredible, Godly women in the blog world who have four or five children. Their life is full of love and joy through those babies. What if God wants the same for me? My friends and family, not all of them, I don't think would support me in this desire to have a 4th. But what if God wants us to raise up another child for His kingdom? What if? Who cares about gaining weight. THIS is what I dreamt of. This is what I journaled about when I was single. My biggest hope and greatest desire was to be a Mommy. Maybe I'm not done.

How does Jeremy feel? Well, of course he worries about money, our relationship, and money. :) We have not had a date in months. We don't have childcare where we live and can't afford to hire a babysitter unless we've thought way in advance and planned ahead. So his mind is thinking logically and maybe that's what he should be thinking. I don't know. But we are talking about it. I'm putting it in God's hands and waiting to see what God puts in our hearts.

I'm only 32. I'm still young! :)

Should I have shared this? I think so. Somehow God can use my process to maybe help one of you. Whatever we are facing, He will guide us. He will speak to our husbands. He will speak to us. He will make a way for whatever is to come.

I do know one thing as I pray about this. A CHILD IS ALWAYS A GIFT.