I don't know about all of you but I am ready for Friday in the biggest way possible. This week has been a tough one! I've struggled to write because my mind has been processing a lot of things. My heart has been heavy. There are some trials I am going through right now within my extended family. Can't write about it, can't really even explain it. But it is probably the hardest season yet when it comes to family. The anger, the pain, the emotional roller coaster I feel is much bigger than me. It's so big that when I talk about it or see anything regarding it, my heart pounds. I almost drove myself to the hospital this week because my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to come out of my chest. One thing I know is that for the first time in my adult life, I feel out of control. I have no desire to work through any of it. I have no desire for healing to even come. It's never felt so intense as it does now. But I can't continue like this. It's just not healthy for me to walk around with this much anger inside. This is something ONLY God can change.
My husband asked me last night, "When are you going to get over this? You have struggled with this since I've known you and you have got to just get over it." I looked at him and said, "But what if I never do? What if THIS is the thing that I can't get over?" As believers, we spend a lot of time praying for God to fix things. We ask him to HEAL things. Maybe it's a sick child or a something else that seems impossible. Sometimes we pray and the answer comes in the healing. Other times we pray, and children and spouses still die. Radicals tell us we didn't have enough faith. But that is just not true! God is not like that. It's not in His character. But there are times when our prayers are not answered in the way we thought they would be.
I have been crying out to God for healing in this one area of my life since I was twelve years old. I've cried myself to sleep COUNTLESS nights. I woken up with swollen eyes from crying. I've gone in my closet and prayed until I have fallen asleep. I've had counseling. I've gone through Dr. Phil's program and spent thousands of dollars to do so. I've been prayed over. I've been anointed with oil. You name it, I've done it! No matter how much I believe for this pain to be gone, it remains.
So maybe this pain is not going anywhere. Maybe this pain is there for me to become friends with. There is a message in this pain. Many times I've thought I understood why it was there and the purpose of it being there but each time I realize the thorn remains stuck DEEP inside of me. Pulling it out creates even more pain.
I'm almost thirty three years old and the pain I felt at twelve years old (when the event took place) feels as real today as it did then. What is it? What name can I put with that pain? Rejection? Abandonment? Self hate? Aloneness?
I have seasons of greatness. Seasons of marital bliss and seasons when I truly love myself. But I always, always, always come back to that ugly place. The root hasn't been pulled up yet. I do see a picture in the physical sense of how it could be resolved and made right but I don't believe that will ever happen. So what do you do? What do you do when your pain is not acknowledged but considered to be a weakness? What do you do when others are not willing to take ownership? Yes, I am an adult but the offense I experienced as a little girl was never spoken to. I realize that there are adult children all over this world who have experienced abuse such as molestation (I have not experienced that unless I have blocked it out) and the offender is dead and gone and will never be here to ask for forgiveness. The pain still has to be dealt with and forgiveness has to happen. How? That's where I don't know how people do life with GOD! Our pain is so deep at times that I know for me, I could not survive without my relationship with Christ.
So here's what I think. God is real. He is a loving God. He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for our sin and give us eternal life. He loves us more than we can possibly imagine. He can do ANYTHING. The pain is real and it may take a lifetime to get over but through HIM, we can find healing. We can find PEACE. We can find joy in everyday life despite the circumstances of our life.
I continue to run the race and run it hard! There is really nothing else to do. I choose to run it! God is bigger than all of this and HE CAN BRING HEALING but I struggle sometimes to believe that. I can believe it for you but not for myself.
I'm a fighter though. I won't give up.
