no this is not James 4! not yet!

(There is already a lot about this post I would like to go back and change but I can't because it's what I was thinking and feeling. I've had a few messages sent my way that have challenged me even more so I am pretty sure this will be something I think on for a quite a while. Just looking at my 2nd paragraph makes me kind of cringe. In many ways I am "getting" it but in so many other ways, I DON'T. I still sound like such a "churchy" girl who scare people away!)

While I struggle to accept the new President, I feel like I pushed some people away and did not reflect Christ during the election. There is nothing anyone can say to convince me that he was the right choice. But, I don't feel that my blog should have been the place for me to share the things I did. It was not fair to make those who did support Obama feel like I was condemning them. Many Christians voted for him and it was wrong for me to judge and behave as harshly as I did.

I still have no desire to watch some of the television shows that many women are addicted to these days. While I don't feel homosexuals are doomed to hell, I don't feel comfortable watching shows showing men kissing men and women kissing women. I also don't feel comfortable watching another doctor show that is about non-married men and women slamming each other onto desks to have sex.

While it may sound very legalistic, it's my conviction. I don't understand how some are okay with it but, some of those people are my friends. Many could look into my life and find something they don't agree with either. Me enjoying a beer with my husband or friends is usually one most Christians I meet via the church don't agree with. That's okay.

But the thing I continue to pursue is holiness. At least I try. I've swung from one side to the other and even now I struggle to understand what it looks like. The thing that is so funny is that a lot of Christian people think they know. The missional/emergent church thinks it's one thing while the "seeker" church thinks it's the other. Then there is the church much like the one we have been a part of the last year and half who tends to be more of the "churched" crowd who have a totally different view on what holiness looks like (this is the crowd that suckers me in every single time). Oh and then there is the Assemblies of God and or Pentecostals who view it in a way that is very radical for me (I grew up in this church). My church backgrounds have been a little confusing to say the least. So I find myself constantly trying to figure it out. I thought I was the most comfortable with my "church" friends but God has put some people in my life over the last few months who have become great friends that give me the opportunity to be me. The real me.

One thing God is showing me is that holiness is more about my character than it is my actions. My friend Larry, who was also my youth pastor in jr high and high school, graduated from Southwestern Theological Seminary in Fort Worth with a Masters in Divinity. He recently got a divorce so of course he would not fit in so much as a Southern Baptist Pastor nor would he want to fit in. We have spent a lot of time over the last few months talking about church, church people, Pastors and how messed up ALL of it is. And that would include us too! There is NO ONE I trust more than Him when it comes to what the Bible says. He is my teacher and will always be my teacher. He's already told me that someday if he ever goes back into the ministry, I will be His worship leader (that would rock). He's a rebel but he LOVES God and knows God better than most people because Larry works the process. He walks through things and he doesn't quit even when he sees how yucky a man's heart can be. He's made big mistakes and has experienced divorce. He left his church and his wife all in the same day and everyone thought he was crazy. He was told things like, "God is going to give you cancer because you are in rebellion." HA! Can you imagine? People really know how to say things to help, don't they? Not!

Larry called me yesterday morning to check on us and he said something that really made me chew. "Holiness is about our character, not our actions." Hmmm. Of course later my mind thought, "Yes but our actions reveal our character." I have to call him back on this one. :) But the point he was trying to make is it doesn't matter what you DO, it's who you ARE. I don't think I can even put into words what it made me feel but it just revealed to me that we are all so different and how could we not be? We all have different backgrounds, different childhoods, different DNA for crying out loud! We won't agree on everything. We won't all get along. Each walk of life, each walk with God will look different. Who am I to judge?

This past year I have questioned other's salvation. I have question their character. I have question their sanity. I have questioned, I have judged and in doing so, I narrowed the field. Instead of being able to reach all kinds of people, I chose a path that would reach only ONE kind of people. CHRISTIANS.

I don't wish to go back and read BLUE LIKE JAZZ or VELVET ELVIS or join another Church plant. I'm not going back to that place of "hating churches". My heart is for the church. God has gifted me to be used in the church. But I don't want to miss all the others. I don't want to be ONE kind of missionary. I want to be used everywhere!

Please forgive me for showing only ONE side of things. Please forgive me for my judgements. Please forgive me for my legalism. I'm still trying to figure things out myself. Thank you to those of you who KNOW that and you stick with me.

It is so much easier to live by a set of rules. It's easier to look at things black and white. It's harder to live under grace and it's harder to accept ALL kinds of people.

Back in December I read THE SHACK. It was a life changing book for me in many ways. It taught me about forgiveness in a way that I never considered. Because of that book I have been able to let go of some things and some people that I needed to. That book started a fire in me and still, a month later, has me thinking daily about it. The most shocking thing about the book is the way Christians spoke badly about it. Some did not think it was an accurate picture of God. I thought it was the most amazing picture of God. Hearing all of the opinions about the book made me realize that people feel so safe in the world of "church and christian lingo". But we live in a world of people who could understand the teacher on Charlie Brown better than they could a Christian.

I want my love for Christ to be understood. I don't want to push people away or cause them to think that God is wanting them to follow a set of rules before they can experience him. So many Christians do this, I don't want to be one of them.

I'll end with this. A few months ago I was talking to someone who was in the midst of starting a church. I explained how I knew some incredible musicians and that I could probably get them to help out when and if they wanted a special service with music while they waited to find their own. The person I was speaking to said, "Well, we don't want just anybody. We take the pulpit (I personally would have used the word stage) very seriously and we don't want guys who have played gigs all night at a bar coming to church and playing for us." I thought about that conversation for weeks and realized how in some ways, I have been guilty of the same mindset. Just hearing the person say what they did made me cringe about myself! Because guess what? Jesus doesn't count those people out! He doesn't care! If he counts them out, then I'm counted out!! And Christian are constantly going around counting people out! He wants to use all of us! We spend so much time making a big deal out of things that I believe God is shaking His head over in disbelief. I mean here I am a worship leader, they don't have a worship leader and after I thought about it, I realized that they probably looked at me in the same light they did the guy who plays at the bars. And they should!! I'm a sinner. We all are!

Christians (not all) are rude. They are rude in the grocery stores, mean on the freeway and lack kindness in sooooooooo many ways. The waitress takes too long and we tell the manager. We fuss over so much stuff that we constantly miss opportunities to show a lost world who JESUS really is.

And this my friends is what training for a marathon will do to you! Lots of miles to examine your heart. That is for sure!