Someone from my past even emailed asking "Why are you so angry?". By no means was I offended because I love this person and God totally used her for 14 miles Saturday morning. She is probably the only person who could have said what she did and she did it in love. That question has me thinking a lot about myself. Am I angry? Well, I think I am. But the problem is, I am not sure why I am angry. I mean I know where the root is but I gotta tell you, I have no clue how to pull that root up. I may be pulling that root up for the rest of my life.
Right now I am in the "emptying out" process. If I come across agitated, I don't mean to. Change is hard, it's painful! It's uncomfortable but it's part of the race. Just because my legs feel like they may break off when I am on mile 17 does not mean I will quit the marathon. I will push through!!!
So I ask you to be patient with me and try not to read too much into my thoughts. I am feeling a little beat up for being myself and putting myself out there. Can you imagine if you blogged about your own "process" and how it could make you look? What would people think if they could see all the thoughts going on in your head?? Well, I realize it's my choice to share what I share but just give me a little bit of a break. I'm hoping like David writes in Psalms that by the end of this season of "re-thinking" my joy and strength can be renewed. King David often began a Psalm in anguish but ended his thoughts with a peaceful resolve. I'm trying to make sure I follow through with the peaceful resolve. :)
God doesn't let the anguish last forever. We work through it. It's a journey. I pray God continues to give me the chutzpah to share and not be too worried about what all of you will think.
I often remind God that he gave the "chutzpah" to the wrong girl because it should go someone who doesn't care about what people think about her. :) But, I do. I guess that's the part that softens the "chutzpah" in me!
6 comments:
Well, it may be hard, but I am grateful God made you the way He did because you encourage me. I am too often immobilized by worry of what other sthink of me, and so I'm inspired by your honesty.
Loved the way you related this process to David and the Psalms.
yes, I too love how you related to David and the Psalms, that is how I am most of the time....isn't it great to know that the truth always wins when we are fervently seeking the Lord!!
you are simply beautiful.
i get you. no need to explain to me. :)
ditto what wendy said! and what i said as a comment to your last post! love you --- the REAL you --- all of you.
We love you Amanda. Thank you for allowing us the privilege to walk through your journey with you and to witness the process God is leading you through. God has used you in mighty ways in my life and in many others I'm sure. We all get you. ((HUGS))
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