"This is hard!"

(NO. Jude has not been born.)

One of my precious friends was in the midst of something pretty major yesterday. It was a joyous, life changing event. But I did receive a text from her that said "This is hard!". It made me smile because I knew what she was experiencing and I could totally relate. Even the things in life that bring us the most joy can also be very difficult. Her text was perfect and it was perfect for how I was feeling.

I am not someone to usually unplug from everyone around me. But when I do, it's needed. I am a people person and I don't like to be alone nor do I like to cut off communication from the world but sometimes I really need to. It allows me to recharge, gain perspective and see the truth in things without having every one's input. So that's what I did last Thursday. My Mom came and stayed with me from Thursday night until yesterday. She cleaned my house, cleaned my suburban, washed clothes, vacuumed under furniture, kept the kids out of my bedroom and allowed me to "just be". It is a rare thing for a Mother to do and i got to do it! My Mom cleared her schedule, moved ALL of her clients to today (her normal day off) and served me like I've never been served before. She nurtured me and it felt so good. She asked me how I felt constantly. She told me to go walk, she walked with me (as I almost stumbled down a massive hill and laughed hysterically), she told me to get on the birthing ball and off the couch, she bossed me around. She made decisions for me. It was AWESOME! It was a gift! It was an incredible moment in my life when I needed my Mom and I got her all to myself. Sometimes a girl just needs her Mom and there was NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE who could have given me what she gave me this past weekend.

She gave me permission not to answer my phone or text messages from well-meaning friends asking "Have you had the baby yet?". At one point I just had to turn my phone off because nothing coming out of my mouth was nice and I did not want to answer questions about contractions or if I was still pregnant. I decided that I did not want to talk or communicate with anyone so I just turned the phone off and it felt good. I needed a break from everything. A few friends in my life have figured out that when I don't answer a call or a text that it is nothing personal. Sometimes I am just busy but sometimes I just want to be left alone. I will come out and play eventually. I always do. I got a text last night from a friend that said "I know you well enough to know that you are disconnecting from the world but right now I don't care so I am going to bug the hell out of you until you tell me how you are doing." Now that was a respectful text! I loved it! And she got me to come out and play for a bit! (Thank you friend!)

I am dilated to a 4 and just stuck. I could stay here a while and being at a 4 is NOT comfortable. The contractions are painful BUT they are not consistent. When I hit "the wall" last Thursday, I also jumped on a scary roller coaster ride of emotion. Wanting to go natural, having a Doctor who supports you yet whispers INDUCTION a lot. Feeling resolute, then NOT feeling resolute. Mentioning things to friends and them saying "NO, you are sticking with the plan."  Someone said to me last night "You only have 11 days left." Wow! That made me feel devalued! Your husband and mother saying "What you decide will be the best choice." I refuse to be prideful though. I don't have anything to prove to YOU. If I go natural and experience an incredible natural childbirth, I may or may not share it with all of you. If I am induced, I may or may not share it with all of you. I desire a natural childbirth. I pray with all of my heart that it happens. But I also trust the Lord. My plans may not happen but HIS plans will. I don't see a reason why I should not be able to stick with the plan but part of my seclusion this weekend was allowing myself to have an alternative plan AND not feeling bad about my decision if something does change. And usually when people ask how I am doing and I decide to be HONEST, they say really stupid stuff. Stuff I would probably say if I were in their position but stuff you don't want to hear when you are in the midst. "Bless your heart" is annoying and "Only 11 days" is painful to hear. :) So until Jude comes I am going to say "I'm excited to meet my baby and would love for it to be today!". 

Last week I received a very discouraging email from an old friend. She did not see it as discouraging but it was and it made me feel scared. She warned me about hospital births (something I don't have a choice in and something my insurance WILL pay for). She warned me about Doctors pushing their plan and breaking your water. She said that I would have to "Fight" for a natural childbirth in the hospital. It completely overwhelmed me, frightened me and discouraged me. It was bad timing on her part. I feel like she should have thought and prayed more before sending it to a girl about to have a baby. But it was a great turning point for me because I realized then that this birth was not going to be about what I've read about, heard about or what my friends have warned me about. It was going to be about ME and what GOD has ordained.

²¹ We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, 
   but God's purpose prevails.  (Proverbs 19:21)

My mind began to go into these thoughts of "stillbirth", "birth defects", DEATH and so much more. I was terrorized by bad thinking. I felt like I needed to unplug from friends and family. I knew that I could not be a friend that some of my friends were needing. I haven't been able to ask how they are doing, check on them or make plans with them. I have just needed time. Call me selfish, I don't care. I am no good to anyone if I am not taking care of myself. So I took time to retreat and in many ways UNTIL this baby comes, I will continue to retreat. I remember the week of the Austin Marathon I tried to remove myself from everyone and everything. I did not want any outside distractions. I feel like I am kind of in the same boat right now. As my friends said yesterday, "This is hard!". Women have babies everyday and I am no different than any of them but this is how I handle things. This is how I process. This is when someone with a gregarious personality like mine becomes quiet. This is how I do it. This is how I prepare.

So for everyone emailing and sending text wondering where on earth I am, I am here. I am just quiet. Amazing, I know. :) Thank you for checking on me and not taking my silence personal. 

Please pray for me. I would be lying if said I wasn't scared and nervous because I am. Sometimes I am TERRIFIED. I need strength for Homeschool right now in a HUGE way! I need to be nicer to my kids and husband and even to my doctor (i pretty much told him off the other day and he told me I hurt his feelings so I am thinking pumpkin bread may be a nice peace offering). When my Dad asks me daily via text "Jude bug coming today?", I need to be gracious instead of "Don't you think I would tell you if I knew!?".

Thank you for allowing me to explain and to vent. "This is hard" but today is a new day and maybe this will be the day that these contractions from hell make this baby drop into the pelvic "arena" and come!

I can blog from the hospital so YOU WILL KNOW! :)