Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Matthew 11:28-30 (do I live by it?)

Jude is perfect, the other three are great (but difficult), homeschool is going (but it's hard) and Jeremy is busy with work (end of year inventory). 

Today my baby boy is six weeks old. Tomorrow I go to the doctor for my six week check up. I would love to say that as soon as I leave his office that I am going home to run a few miles but honestly, I don't even feel like it. Jeremy has been a non stop encouragement. He says when I run it pushes him so I think he is using me. :) He is even trying to get me to run a marathon with him in February and I can tell you that WILL NOT happen. Not only will my body not be ready but I have no desire to jump back in and bury myself in the unrealistic expectations I put on myself.

I've been struggling a lot. I am getting sleep (Jude sleeps 6 hrs and then 4). I am nursing and it isn't hard anymore. I am getting out and about. But I am struggling. I don't feel like myself. I hate not being able to fold all those clothes and get them put up all within thirty minutes. I hate not being able to wash the sheets as much as I want to. I hate not having anything that fits so I dread having to go somewhere when I need clothes. The size I was is no where NEAR the size I am so, I will have to go through many sizes to be able to wear anything in my closet. Even though that is perfectly normal, it is hard. 

My kids need friends, we need to go back to church (after a year off) and we need community back in our lives. Jeremy doesn't think church will solve our problems and he says he will go if I want him to but I don't want to go back with him saying things like that. I want him to want it too! I don't think anyone really understands the depth of pain we have endured in church after church. So it's easy to stay home on Sundays. Very easy. 

Being in the middle of an adjustment period is very difficult for me. I don't like it. I am a perfectionist and I don't say that to brag or self diagnosis myself like many do. I say that because it is truly an ILLNESS for me. I have become such a freak when it comes to my clean house and clean laundry that right now I feel paralyzed. I cannot catch up. You can tell me all day long "You just had a baby. Lighten up!" and it will mean nothing. I have been praying about it non stop. I end up not doing fun stuff with the kids until EVERYTHING is done. To just let go of something is excruciating. To leave this house and run up to the grocery store while my house is a mess truly sends me over the edge. I can't remain in this place. And I am forgetting what truly matters!!!

The other day I saw a post on facebook that really spoke to me (yes after much prayer and after being off of facebook since last March, I have re-engaged.) It was something like this. "Rarely do you look back and regret the things you did. But you always look back and regret what you didn't do."  Losing my grandmother a few weeks ago made me really think about this. I should have called her more. I should have went to see her. I should have sent her pictures of my kids. I have so much regret. And I need to learn to let go of things that do not matter. 

I've let go of History and Science until we get through Holidays. We are about to be finished with the first half of Math and start new books in January. Josiah is handling multiplication better than addition! Who would have thought?! Letting go of History and Science was like me going to the store without makeup for the first time. HUGE. But I did it! My neighbor asked me the other day, "What do you think this drive in your life is masking?". HA! Well, good question. I don't think it's that complicated. I wish it was. I just think I grew up in such dysfunction and turmoil that I can't stand the thought of it entering into my life again. Having to find a clean pair of underwear on the couch takes me back and I HATE IT!

Sooner or later I am going to have to ignore the mess, ignore how I feel and just allow myself to have fun or to relax. The kids will not care about the laundry but they will love the craft we do instead of folding clothes. So much on my mind, so much I am trying to process and trying to give myself grace with a post partum brain and body is HARD WORK. But I press on!

Thank you my friends for allowing me to vent and share the yucky stuff I deal with on a day to day basis.

Now I am off to make fudge for Ava Beth's dance teacher while I ignore all the laundry I am behind on! 

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

 28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."


Anonymous said...

Amanda transition is a tough place to be. Letting go is easier said then done. I am praying that God's voice drowns the one that wants you to be hard on yourself. I pray rest and joy for you and your family!

Kelly Ann said...

I battle these same things each and every day. We have to do certain things so that our home runs somewhat smoothly, however, I want to focus on what really matters. I constantly compare myself to those around me (in real life and on the web) only to ignore the voice that really matters...His. Thanks for always sharing authentically and know that you are not alone! Love you tons!

Anonymous said...

Hey girl can not find your email and wanted to send you something.. Can you email me:) Angela

Christine Bolton said...

Run to Jesus, He loves you.....always.

Christie Taylor said...

I have told you for a long time that the one thing I treasure about you and your friendship is that you are GENUINE. You are unapologetic in who you are, on your good days and on the crazy ones, too! You are doing a phenomenal job, and I know that what you are doing is pleasing in the sight of the Lord. Love you, and praying for you!

Amanda- Texas Girl born and raised! said...

Which Angela is this??? :)

Gina said...

Forget about everyone else, screw the mess, and HAVE FUN! This is your favorite season, you are blessed in ABUNDANCE with those beautiful, healthy babies and that is ALL that truly matters. Laundry, dishes, dirty floors, bills, will ALWAYS be there - - - I have to remind myself of that ALL THE TIME!

I have always loved how you share your heart, which has ALWAYS inspired me to not be afraid to do the same. You are an amazing wife and mama, that's MOST IMPORTANT!
Love you friend!