the enemy's camp

Several months ago, my friend Drew, asked me if I would lead worship for him while he took a Sunday off for the Thanksgiving Holiday. It's hard to believe that it's here and on the 25th, I will lead for him. Right now, I am not very excited. Instead, I am nervous, anxious and down right scared. I've lead alone before but it's been quite some time and this season is a much different season. I don't think I really understood the meaning of a true worship leader and all the comes with it. I did not understand that worship is more than singing. And it's sad to say but I also let my "performer" in me come out and lead the way instead of the Holy Spirit. Oh how things have changed! Now I am a mess on stage and pretty much fight the tears the entire time I am up there.

This past Sunday I sang a song that means a lot to me and when I got to a line that says, "You are my king", all I could do was smile and cry. I really felt like sobbing and falling to my knees but I kept trying to sing. My voice was shot from laryngitis and emotionally I was a mess. The week had been difficult after deciding to leave our church plant and physically I felt worn down. So Sunday was a very sweet moment where I allowed myself to be enveloped in the Holy Spirit and as a result, the Lord moved in my life and hopefully in the lives of others. Afterwards, I had several people come up to me and thank me for being so transparent and one guy in the audience asked me, "Are you okay Amanda? You seemed like you were really pouring your heart out up there over something. Thanks for that." And then I did not feel so bad for making a fool of myself through the tears. :)

Truthfully, it would be easier to lead and it be all about me. When it's all about me, Satan doesn't come near my dwelling. He stays far, far away! But when I make it all about Jesus, he tries to break my door down! The past few weeks, the door has been almost knocked off the hinges but the more that door starts to jiggle, the more I press in. At times, I step out into the flesh for a moment but God reminds me that I am doing what I need to be doing.

Today I had an email all typed out to Drew telling him how I would not be able to lead worship for him. In fact, I did email him once and say, "I will lead on that Sunday and I will help you this Sunday but after that, I'm done for a while." But then I knew that was not the right thing to do, it was the easy thing to do.

Right now I am in battle and I am pretty sure I will be there until the 25th and for the rest of my life. :) And if the day comes where I see that the enemy has quit coming over into MY camp, I need to do something to make him show his lousy face because if he's hot on my trail, I am doing something right! Hey, who's to say I can't march over to his camp and take back what he stole from me??! On the 25th, I will be marchin' all over that sucker! I'm gonna do what he's told me I can't do, lead worship!