Well today has been one of the most gut wrenching days I have had in a very long time. My eyes are swollen from crying and my mind is in total shock. A married couple in my life, two very dear and close friends, are separated and soon to be divorced. If I could pick two people I thought would divorce, I NEVER in a MILLION years would think of them. He was my youth pastor, she was my Sunday school teacher. She was the one to teach me how to pray for a husband when I was fifteen years old in Sunday School class. She is the one that carried me around with her everywhere she went when I was longing to be loved. He was the one that helped me get my Dad out of jail in the middle of the night when I was sixteen. He was also the one to bail my brother out of jail. They were the ones I talked to on the phone inside my closet when I was a teenager. I would cry about how much I hated my life and they poured into my life more than ANYONE ever has. No one has invested in me more than them besides my own husband. When I play bad tapes in my head over things people have said to me, I am always able to somehow find one voice of truth, a good tape spoken to me by them. "Mandi, God has a plan for your life, an awesome plan that is above and beyond what you could ever imagine." They always, always gave me hope. God used their marriage in my life when I was younger to show me what I wanted to have in a marriage someday. They were a model to me on so many fronts.
When I was single, they were there through every breakup. I would even go spend the weekend with them after the blow of a breakup. Then I got engaged to Jeremy, they were the first ones I called and Jeremy and I went to spend the day with them for some counseling before setting the date. And the day Josiah was born, He came to the hospital. He walked in right before I got the epidural, handed me a stuffed animal and said, "Mandi, I am so proud of you." He wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Look at you! Look at how great you have turned out! I told you that you would be fine, didn't I? Now you have the family you have always prayed for."
There is no one I have idolized more, there is no one I have looked to spiritually like I have him, my youth pastor. This morning I went into my closet to pray about some other things before I even knew about this. I cried, wept and prayed about some things in my own life and read Hebrews 13. Then I saw verse seven. 7 Remember your leaders who taught you the word of God. Think of all the good that has come from their lives, and follow the example of their faith. Instantly I thought of my youth pastor and his wife and decided to call and thank them for teaching me all the things they did and how they taught me what living for Jesus really meant. I never imagined I would be given the news I was given this morning. I began to weep and I talked to my friend, the wife for two hours. We prayed, cried and agreed to stay in contact. She then decided to give me his phone number.
I called to tell him exactly what the Holy Spirit had prompted me to call for to begin with after reading the scripture in Hebrews. He couldn't talk right then but he called me back and I thanked him for all the years he taught me and loved me. We talked for two more hours and now I still sit here in shock, wondering how this happened.
This causes me to look around at my leaders and wonder how much pain they carry and hide in order to keep their church intact. It scares me somewhat about my future and I fear what the "what ifs" of my own marriage. What if Jeremy woke up one day and decided he was done? I don't know how to pray. The two of them have their own stories and both want different results. My heart feels like it has broken into a million pieces. When I am struggling in my marriage, when I am not sure how to be the wife God has called me to be, who will I call now? They have been the ones I go to with everything.
