This morning I feel so much sadness. It feels like someone has died in my life. The past month has been a challenging month for me in many ways. It's been a month of trial for sure. So what happened yesterday was a pretty huge blow.
I always had this dream of marriage when I was a teenager. I could care less about college and career, I just wanted to be married and be a mommy. My youth pastor and his wife were like a Mom and Dad to me and I fell in love with their life. So much that I decided I would only marry a pastor because I wanted their life. How can a fifteen year old girl know all the heartaches of ministry, living in a glass house? It looked fabulous to me. Now I know that while it is a wonderful privilege and calling, it also comes with great pain and frustration. Obviously I did not marry a pastor and thank goodness for me and church because I would be a terrible Pastor's wife. My skin is WAY too thin!
The first time I met my youth pastor and his wife was on a Wednesday night at church. Our church had been without a youth pastor for a while and the youth were told there would be a candidate and his wife coming to meet us and that he would also be going on a weekend retreat with us that Friday. I remember seeing them when they walked in the doors. For some reason, I was star struck. She was beautiful, long brown curly hair and a smile that lit up the entire auditorium. He was a big, handsome guy with a warm spirit! I'll never forget the way they held hands and looked at one another as they walked in. They were nervous and excited. From the moment I met them, I loved them. Two days later we go on a retreat and I wake up, leave my cabin and go to breakfast. When I walk in the door and up to the table, he says "Good morning sunshine." I smiled. I did not know how to respond. No one, NO ONE, had ever called me sunshine or used a term of endearment with me. NO ONE. It was the first time in my life, someone used a special name for me. I'm sure he said it to many other youth as they approached the table but I only heard it when he said it to me. After that, the church extended an offer, they accepted and we had a new youth pastor. Instantly, I became their youth girl that went with them everywhere they went. I like to think I was their favorite and I am glad because I needed to be someone's favorite. They took me everywhere they went, even when they went out of town. They knew my home life was not stable, they knew my Dad was an alcoholic, they knew I needed care and love. Every single volleyball game, basketball game, choir concert, my youth pastor was there. EVERY SINGLE ONE. There were many times my own parents were not there, but he never missed one.
When I was fifteen I began to hear God's voice calling me into ministry. I will never forget telling my youth pastor that I had a huge sense that God was calling me into ministry someday. When I explained it to him, he said "I've always known God has a huge ministry for you. You think that it's to be a Pastor's wife and support him but I think it's something much bigger! Mandi, all the stuff you have gone through as a child, all the stuff you are facing right now, it's gonna be used in a BIG way." After that conversation, the next Sunday during the "Invitation" (this was a Southern Baptist Church), I saw my Pastor and my Youth Pastor standing down at the front waiting to receive people at the alter. Some were joining the church, some were accepting Christ, some needed prayer. Then there was me. I walked down the aisle, straight to my youth pastor and surrendered to the ministry. As he prayed for me, he said something I will always remember and still think of today. "Mandi, you may not know what is ahead. Maybe music, maybe speaking, maybe teaching, maybe all of it. But you know you are following Him. So as you take this step today and surrender your life to ministry in front of all these people, remember this day and remember that He will soon raise you up to be the leader he has called you to be. Your a battleship Mandi, you always will be." I'll never forget that day. He was wearing a forest green suit with a Looney Tunes tie. :)
This morning I have been thinking a lot about the song HOW TO SAVE A LIFE by The Frey and I keep seeing their faces. This song has a whole new meaning now. He saved my life. God used my youth pastor to save my life. He is my hero, the most inspirational person in my life ever. I pray that God can use me to save his life like he saved mine.
These two people gave me a dream to believe in, a marriage to pray for and hope, so much hope. It was hope that saved me from being a victim of my past. It was hope that showed me I did not have to live how that little girl lived all those years. Hope gave me a brand new life.
Lord, Jesus, please use me to give them hope. Help me to give them the gift they gave me.
