Over the last few months I've been wrestling with my role in ministry outside of the home. My kids are five, three and seventeen months old. Being a "stay at home" mom and a new homeschooling Mom requires much more than me being at home. It requires passion, creativity, discipline and so much more. As our first official school year approaches, I am constantly evaluating myself as a mother/teacher. Sometimes I am too hard on myself and other times I feel like I have a healthy perspective on some areas where I need improvement and I am able to see them without spending too much time self condemning. As a result of some of this self evaluation, I began to ask God to show me areas in my life as a mother that needed to change. Maybe some things didn't need changing but tweaking. At the time of the prayer, I really had no idea what would soon surface.
Okay, so pause that thought for a moment.
The second area I am constantly evaluating is my marriage. How can I be a better wife? I could always do more to serve him in our relationship. I could definitely get better at pursuing my husband physically. I could initiate sex more. I could talk to him nicer. I could pray for him more. I could encourage him more. The list goes on and on. Well, Jeremy and I have a lifetime of pain from our childhoods and we are just now beginning to unpack a lot of the hurt we experienced as children. Finally, after almost seven years of marriage, we are working daily on some things God is wanting to heal in both of us. He is using Jeremy to bring healing to many hurts in my life and He is using me for the same in Jeremy's life. Right now it's a lot of work. The past few months God has taken us through an incredible journey with some other couples and we have been given some amazing tools to help us find healing from the past. You see the enemy loves to use our spouses to push those trigger buttons and add to the pain we experienced from our childhood. But God loves to use our spouses to comfort us and heal us. God wants us to come along side HIM and love our spouses. That being said, Jeremy and I have just spent months unpacking a whole lot of stuff and now we are working, really working. The work can be hard but we are doing it hand in hand with our FATHER. God is doing something miraculous in our home, I feel it. The more things surface, the more God shows me how much He is working in my home, in my marriage, in my life.
My ministry at church is something I absolutely love. I've said it over and over again how much I love leading others in worship and how I never get over God using me to do that. It never gets old. I never just go through the motions of it. Jeremy has never complained about getting all three kids ready for church or keeping them while I go to rehearsals on Thursday nights. He has hated the darts thrown my way, the personal attacks and the criticism from others. And yes, I have hated all of those things too. It's exhausting, hurtful and draining but proof that God is using me for something. THAT is ministry and it will always be ministry. This past weekend I had someone on my team who did not approve of a decision I had made regarding the service and wanted me to cut it. In the past, I would have. The approval of someone else would have driven me to please instead of doing what I thought needed to be done. But I stuck with what I felt was best and tonight I am so proud I did not give in just to make someone happy or to keep someone from being mad at me. THAT IS GROWTH for Amanda. I've grown as a leader. I've put soooooooooooo much work into being a leader. Jeremy said tonight, "Babe you have put a lot of work into all that you do up there. You have worked hard!"
I realize this is a potpourri of thoughts but I share this with you because I am struggling to hear God's voice right now. While I absolutely adore my ministry, I am feeling like the passion and time I put in should be put into my home. Is it realistic for me to be doing all I am doing and begin this homeschooling journey? Yes, it is. But I struggle with wondering if I know who I am as a mother. God has given me my dream. Even as a little girl, I would pray God would make me a mommy and a wife. It's ALL I wanted. When I was in high school, I wanted to graduate and get married. That's all I wanted was a family. I think my expectation was a family would solve my problems. If I had a family, my life would finally be perfect. Ha!
I'm not totally clear on all that I am feeling right now. I have some close friends praying I can hear God's voice on this. Part of me feels I need to step down from ministry outside of my home. My home is where I need to be passionate. My home is my sanctuary. Is this the time in my life where I chase my dreams outside of the home? Can I do both? Can I change what this looks like and do both? Do I serve once a month? Do I help out when they need help? Do I take a month off or two or six?
This may sound like a crazy example but it worked with Jeremy so I will give it a shot on the blog. Okay, so I was thinking about Troy Aikman and Brett Favre today. Two amazing quarterbacks who have Superbowl rings, records and LEGENDS to prove their success as NFL quarterbacks. I saw both of their press conferences when they retired and the tears in their eyes showed how much they truly loved the game, the players, the coaches, the fans. But I think the tears also had to stem from their identity. Who would they be without football? There had to be some part of them that feared life without it. Would they be remembered? Missed? And would they be content just watching the game instead of participating? Well, I think we know the answer to that concerning Brett Favre. He regrets retiring and wants to come back. But, so far it looks like it's too late in Green Bay.
I am not in the Aikman-Favre arena when it comes to worship leading! So please know this is just an example. When I think about stepping away for a season, it's very hard. But if it's what God is wanting me to do, I can't go wrong in walking away to serve and focus on my family more. They deserve my passion, creativity and joy. They should get it first!
If that is the case, I don't think my time has been wasted. I KNOW God has anointed me and called me for ministry and I know music is a huge part of it. What I don't KNOW is if the time is now or later.
For weeks I have been fighting this. Each time I have sang, I have felt like I am empty. I have felt like things at home are not right. Really, it's more what's in my heart and trying to figure out what God is showing me. If I don't have it in order at home and in my heart, nothing else will blossom. I know a change has to come but I don't know what it is going to look like. I have NOT heard his voice clearly yet but I am desperately trying. Please pray for me.
A worship leader is what I'm known for. But what if I need to find out who this Mom is without all the other stuff? I don't know. I'm leading worship on the 27th. My Mom will be in town to support me. I'm excited but so nervous to see what God wants me to do after that weekend. I want to be in the center of His will. I don't want to miss what He has for me. I want to hear His voice and not decide anything without having a peace from Him.
So I continue to pray for wisdom.
Speak Lord! Speak! Maybe you already have and I just don't know it. Please speak to me.
