don't be fooled

Every once in a while I will have someone say something to me about how perfect my life seems. They read my blog, see the pictures, read the stories and assume I don't have a care in the world. I actually have a family member that prefers not to read my blog because they think I am just bragging about how great my life is. How do I know they feel this way? Well, they told me. It bothered me until I realized this person obviously did not read my blog daily because I have ALWAYS been real about who I am. No pretending over here at MAMA SINGS!

Do you know how often I start typing out a post about how crappy I am feeling? I used to write about ALL of it. A few months ago I decided to not write about every single detail. People can be rude to me, hurt my feelings or do me wrong but I refuse to write it all out and give them the satisfaction of reading about it. Why I ever wrote about those things, I don't know! It was DUMB!!! I've learned about peopling reading my blog who don't really care about me, they're just nosey and want to know what's going on in my life. So why give those people the satisfaction and allow them to read about my pain, aka my treasures?

Also I made the big mistake of letting people I go to church with know that I have a blog. It's nothing against my church friends but sometimes people just know way too much about what's going on and I am not too fond of that anymore. I think I prefer to be a mystery! :) Sure I could make my blog private but I don't want to do that. Now I am just extra careful about what I write. I did get rid of twitter because I realized I was sharing too much of my daily business with people who, again, don't really need to know. I like facebook better anyway! :)

I am sure it looks like I do have quite the life and let me tell you, I DO! I am blessed! But I am a pretty normal gal. I struggle with self esteem, I feel insecure and inadequate about homeschooling, my childhood was more than jacked, my family relationships are still awkward and far from healthy, I have a brother who I have absolutely no relationship with (I wish I did though), a step sister and step brother I have no relationship with and family members on my side and probably my husband's side who don't like me. See, far from perfect! Those things make me sad but it's my life. And family members who never read my blog will probably read it today because I have mentioned them and it will piss someone off. Oh well. It won't be the first time.

I struggle a lot with fear and fear of dying. I struggle with worry and anxiety. For the past two months I have struggled with depression. I currently have leg pain so I worry that I am dying, especially after I google symptoms and diagnose myself with something! Sound perfect to you? Sounds to me like a woman who needs to be delivered!

I'm just a wife and mom trying to find joy daily, trying to love myself daily, trying to believe God loves me and soooooooooooooo much more DAILY. I am one big mess! But, when I am able to hear the truth, listen to God's voice instead of my own, I know I am loved and one incredible Godly woman.

Don't be fooled by the homeschooling pictures, the miles I have run in 2008 or the pretty pictures of my family. I struggle to be a good wife, a good Mom and a secure woman just like everyone else.

I need approval, acceptance and love just like any other person. Maybe more! Some think it's stupid to be so open with my flaws but I think it just empowers me even more to tap into Jesus and rely on Him for everything! I NEED HIM BADLY!

So there's a REAL dose of me for you today! Hope I didn't scare you away! I just thought I would shed some light on myself in the midst of me sharing pictures about homeschooling and adding miles to my sidebar. Maybe I should put a little thing in my sidebar entitled " my freaks outs in 2008" or "how many times I've doubted myself in 2008". Maybe I would seem a little more flawed. :) Or you could just call my husband and he could tell you. :)

Thanks for allowing me to be me. Thanks for reading on the good days and bad days.