James 3 and sharing my insides!

Are y'all still with me?? I have read James 3 several times now and again I feel like it's a chapter we could all read more. So I would like to ask you to read it again. Read it tomorrow, read it Sunday. It's a big one. Whenever a passage talks about our words, it's worth stopping and praying about. I just told my friend Frances yesterday regarding another situation, "I don't want to miss God. I want to get what He wants me to get." When I read chapter 3, I see there is a lot I have missed. I don't want to continue circling the same mountain. So can ya'll hang on to chapter 3 for a few more days??? Pray before you read it. Journal about it. Allow your mind and spirit to process it and as you do, think about your relationships. Think about your "words". I know I am!
I want thank those of you so much who have been emailing me and letting me know that you are praying for me. Also thank you so much for the prayers regarding the ankle. I did a five mile run yesterday and it was great! No pain! Also since Jeremy told me that I had to raise the funds myself for the marathon, I got busy! I sold our old washer and dryer for $65 on craigslist and then I had a high school friend, who reads my blog and follows my daily on-goings through facebook, email me and tell me she wanted to help pay for my marathon. At first I would not let her and then she explained how she had been reading along with me in James and felt like I had given something to her and she wanted to give to me. I was speechless! WOW! So my sweet friend Christie sent me $60 through paypal and I registered online today for the Marathon in Austin! I can't believe how real it became once I hit confirm after I typed in the payment info. I know, I know. I said I did not want to run Austin because of the hills but my friend Heidi convinced me that I was strong enough to do it! I hate those hills!

It's amazing how God works. I kept feeling on the inside that if Heidi told me I could do it, I would do it. We started the long distance journey together two Summers ago and have done just about all of it together. I needed her support. I even needed her approval. As friends, I don't think we realize sometimes the importance of our words. I am a pretty determined individual and I tend to be very strong in my opinions. :) But I need my friends to accept me! As strong as I may appear to others, I'm not. I need women in my life supporting me. Our husbands are just not equipped to meet all of our needs. We need girlfriends in life! I realized I have not told Heidi just how much I need her and how much she means to me. Over the last few days I have told her over and over and over again. Women need to be hear that we are needed!!!! We need to know that we have inspired, encouraged and loved. So tell your friends how much they mean to you! I know for me that I can do ANYTHING if my friends believe I can.

A few months ago I resorted back to a very dark place. When I go to that dark place of depression and fear, the self doubt is unbearable. I seriously mean this when I say it. Self doubt is truly a demonic spirit that visits me OFTEN. It's in those moments that I don't love myself and the bottom line is, I am not believing God is who He says He is. If I did, I would not go to that place.

There is no justification for my behavior when I reach that place. But just as a person who drinks to much alcohol often gets sick. I get sick when I am in that dark place. My sickness has manifested itself in pretty destructive ways. So what does it look like? Here are some things I did not do. HA!

I did not delete everyone from my church off of face book, including family members.

I did not make my blog private, then public, then private, then public.

I did not say to myself, "Those people are a part of your past and not your future."

I did not become a loner.

Well, okay. I did.

It's embarrassing to admit but you know what? What else can I say? I have major issues. The truth is, EVERYONE does. The other truth is, my way of handling my issues is out loud instead of internal. Mine just makes everyone think I'm crazy. :)

Now here's the deal. I do have a very bad habit of giving my heart away to people who don't deserve it and don't want it. I give too much away when I should save my heart for those friends who truly love and care about me. Those people are few and far between. My problem is that I think everyone should be my friend. I feel like if we hang out and spend time together, we are close. Not always the case.

One of the things I have been praying about is letting go. I can show myself friendly, show kindness and love without being intimate. I set myself up for hurt. I do feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of women. And that's okay. As long as I am pleasing towards God, He will reveal my heart. Not everyone will like me. People will talk about me. I can't control that. So I am relinquishing control. When I am rejected, when I gossiped about, when I am ignored, it is not my problem. I have given others way too much control over my happiness.

This won't be an overnight cure. This will be a journey. But the last few weeks, God has revealed himself to me in a new way regarding this. He has sent men and women to affirm me and show His love. The battle in my mind is much stronger than the battle outside my front door.

As I continue to train and run this marathon in February, I pray that I will continue to allows those chains to fall so that I may be free. Every single time I run, God shows me something. It could be one thing, but he shows me something He is doing or wants to do in my life. This next month will be a very intimate time with Him.

I pray that God can heal me of this pain I am plagued with. I truly want to walk this Earth KNOWING and BELIEVING He loves me.

And for those of you who have been pushed away by someone like me, those friends who totally disappear from your life and you don't know why. Well, there is probably a story similar to mind. A past filled, jam packed with rejection by parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, church leaders and so on. It does not give your friend an excuse but it does give YOU an excuse for trying to understand. We all have our pain. We all have our stories and we all tend to operate out of that pain. We love people usually based on how we want to be loved instead of how they need to be loved. Then it gets messy. We judge. We think the other person is crazy, etc. We are all in this together. I have come across a person in my life who handles pain exactly like me and having that mirror put in front of my face shows me how it makes others feel. It seems we are ALL a work in progress.

Stay in chapter 3 ladies! We need it!

I love you all,

Amanda