coming clean

As women we are all different with different struggles. The things I struggle with you may or may not be able to understand or find a way to relate and the same may go for me with one of your struggles. But somewhere out in this world, one of you reading this, knows exactly what I mean and you find such relief in knowing that YOU are not the only one. Before typing this, I prayed God would use this to help someone and I prayed I would not write anything that wasn't Holy Spirit inspired. I pray someone will have hope today through the things God is teaching me. If I can't be honest and share my struggles then I don't really see how God can use me. I have a light that I have to shine. It's not always a bright or beautiful light. Sometimes it's dim or sometimes it is only able to flicker. But no matter what, I must keep it lit. Sharing with you is the only way I know to do that.

I think it's extremely important for all of us to acknowledge our past for what it is and how it has formed us to be who we are today. As I have shared many times before, my childhood was abusive in many ways. Over the last month the Holy Spirit has spoken to me over and over again about how badly He longs for me to give that time in my life to Him. He does not long for me to go back anymore and relive any of those memories. Yet we live in a world where counselors and doctors, even ministers want us to go back and dig up the past to give us a reason for our problems. I understand that recognizing our past and taking from it what we can to keep us from continuing bad patters is healthy but there is a time to let go and move on and God has shown me that now is the time to let it go. This past month God has revealed to me something very important to remember from my past. As He revealed it to me, I feel as if He asked me to bury it. He gave me an answer, a reason as to why I struggle to find joy and now it is up to me to follow Him and allow Him to bring healing. I can't blame my parents or my parents' parents. I can't blame people in the ministry who can be so cruel. The only thing I can do is look at the pain as a gift because it causes me to depend on Christ and THAT is what He longs for.

The abuse I suffered as a child, mainly between the ages of eleven and fourteen, taught me that I had much to fear. I did not get to be a kid. Everything in my life was burdensome. I learned very early in life how to be worried, anxious, depressed. So much that I did not realize how abnormal my feelings were for a child. I have been plagued with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I experience fear and dread for no reason at all. Feelings of agitation, feeling unsettled, disturbance, sadness, fear, anger and restlessness. It's not always something one can see on me but it is always a part of me. Some days are worse than others. Some days I can hide it. Some days I can shove it to the side and be distracted from it but eventually it comes crashing down and I erupt in some sort of emotional manner. A few weeks ago it came crashing down in a way I had never experienced.

I've been reading one of Joyce Meyer's books about anxiety and she mentions a scripture in Proverbs and shares it in the amplified version. When I saw it, I felt like jumping for joy because I felt such a connection. "Yes! That is how I feel!! It's right here in the Bible! WOW!"

Proverbs 15:15 (Amplified Bible)
15 All the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and forebodings], but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances].

I had no idea what foreboding meant until I looked it up and there again I felt relief in seeing a word that described my constant state of mind. Foreboding is feeling "evil to come". You always feel like something bad is going to happen. When I was pregnant with my first born, I constantly struggled with this. I lived for every doctor's appointment just so I could see or hear the heartbeat and KNOW everything was fine. It was a miserable way to live. I remember laying in bed one night worried because I did not feel him moving. It was still in the early days of feeling the first flutters and I would go nuts if I did not feel the baby move. When I got engaged, I worried Jeremy would change his mind. When we got married, I worried he would die (still deal with that one). When we got life insurance I thought it was God making the way for one of us to die and that it would be soon. I've googled countless symptoms that I have physically felt in my body terrified I would find something that would make me die.

Being on this medicine now for anxiety has helped a lot. So much that I struggle that I am NOT struggling. I worry about not worrying. Kind of crazy I know but that's how much the fear has burdened me. It has crippled me. I am completely exhausted from being wrought up for so many years. I long to be free.

The medicine is no cure. There are spiritual battles I am facing that I will only win through JESUS! The enemy is relentless and he will not give up. He longs for me to be in the unsettled state. He longs to see me worried and distracted and even more he longs for me to pass it on to my children. But the medicine has helped me to get underneath the paralyzing fear and see it for what it is. I am not where I want to be yet but I'm gonna be. God is teaching me so much about renewing my mind and about what it means to have fun. There are times when I just don't know how to have fun. It is not His will for me to live this way anymore.

I've lived in turmoil for so long that I don't know what it means to NOT. You know many Christians say things like "let go and let God." Actually Christians say a lot of stuff that really is quite annoying. My struggle with fear is just as real as someone suffering with diabetes. A diabetic often needs medicine but also has to adjust their eating habits and lifestyle. They have to do everything possible to make sure they are staying healthy or they could die. You can't tell a diabetic, "Oh you will be fine. Just don't eat carbs and don't eat sugar!" A diagnosis doesn't take the craving of sugar away instantly and medicine and people telling me to "let go and let God" does not cure the pain in my life. So if you are like me and you have struggled with this debilitating illness of anxiety, let me know who you are so I can be praying for you. Leave a comment and let's journey this together.

You are not alone. I know what it's like to be afraid to be happy. I know how it is much easier to be worried or anxious instead of peaceful and happy. So maybe we can pray for each other and walk this road to freedom together.