Thursday, January 14, 2010

Amanda, not normal.

One of the biggest struggles of mine happens to be the biggest gift. Being transparent. It isn't easy for most. It's easy for me but it's not easy to embrace it. It's hard to put yourself out there only for others to ridicule you for doing so. There is a common theme in my life. Love people, let them in, take them in, give them your heart and snatch it back before they hurt you.

I think I have learned that I am really good at "loving" people. That's just it, I really do love my friends and family. But when they do not reciprocate, that love quickly turns to hurt. I have a huge a lesson to learn when it comes to expectations. I believe love has different levels. The level I have not learned to accept is the "love with all you have but don't put any expectation on the other person to love you back" level.

Just this morning I tried to explain to my friend Paula, who lives in Tennessee, about how blessed I am to have a community of women in my life for almost five years who don't live anywhere near me yet do everything possible to be a part of my life. I sometimes think "Why do they like me so much? Probably because they don't live by me and know what a bear I can be." My best friend, Kelly Ann, has known me since we were fourteen years old and that relationship brings me a lot of comfort because she knows when I am hurting what I need. She knows when I feel rejected that the rejection I feel stems from some things in my past because she was there in my past. Yet even though I trust her completely, I still find myself not allowing her to completely be a part of my life. I often feel I don't deserve these people.

Well that is selfish, prideful and just STUPID. But when I am in that place, I go into full blown labor! I PUSH! Push you away so far that you will never want to come back. It is something I learned how to do VERY early in life and while I cannot blame my childhood, I still have to figure out how to find freedom from that behavior.

Recently I have walked away from a group of people in my life the healthy way. I did not push them away. I did not create drama so they would stay away from me. I actually felt like those relationships were no longer pure and trustworthy and I felt like it was time to quit trying to please and move on. I miss them and I am thankful for the season they were in my life. I have incredible memories. But I can't continue in relationships with people who are not willing to do the hard work themselves. I can't be the scape goat. I have been an easy scape goat for many and I no longer wish to have that role.

I continue to be a work in progress. I continue to mess up and learn from my mistakes. The biggest trap is me sitting at home allowing self condemning thoughts to control me. Every single human being has problems. Everyone of us has pain. Those who continue to judge me, they will continued to be judged by others too. Not too long ago someone told me that I was fake and pretended to be real but I didn't know what real was. Every single time I think about this person saying that to me I laugh out loud! Yes, I LOL! Because being REAL is the thing that often gets me in the biggest trouble. Just like this blog post. Some will criticize and think I am crazy for even posting something like this but the truth is, it doesn't matter. Someone out there feels how I feel. Someone out there struggles and isn't afraid to say so.

God can use me when I am being honest so that is the only thing I wish to be. Honest.

Yesterday was brutal. Call it hormones, call it a spiritual "attack" or call it "Amanda is crazy." Whatever it was, it was a bitch! My kids saw me in a bad light, my family, my friends and OF COURSE my husband. Lats night when I laid in bed I actually told myself what a horrible person I was. I found myself comparing myself to others and wishing I could be "normal." Funny because since I was about eleven years old I have prayed for God to make me "normal." I am beginning to finally believe that I am NORMAL. Everyone feels the way I have felt.

I think I am done trying to be "normal" because I am much better at being Amanda.

There are many exciting things happening in the life of my family right now and I look forward to sharing them with you. Until then, I am a Mother to three beautiful Children, a wife to the hardest working man I've ever known, a homeschooler, a burnt out runner, an imperfect friend and woman who is trying to figure out how to love herself and believe God loves her.

Thankfully my God will always finish what He started.

Philippians 1:6 (Amplified Bible)

6And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.


Karen said...

Well said. I feel ya! I wonder sometimes "what is normal?" Then I see people and talk with people that are what I think is "normal" and find myself bored with them. I think I like abnormality. I hate when people tell me "You're normal" because I know it is THEIR scale they are measuring me on. The only measuring that matters is God's. We are all a work in progress and you continue daily to progress in the Word of God. Progression in the Word is what builds our character and sustains us. I have always thought and continue to think that you are harder on you than anyone else. You are a beautiful creation in Christ, a Godly mother and wife. You have everything you prayed for as a child. Perfection? Only one gets that -- God. I feel like I'm always under a microscope but sometimes its just vain imaginations that trip me up. I pray daily for God to loose my brain of vain imaginations and strongholds that I have placed on myself.

I'm glad you blogged today. It makes perfect sense and if no one else needs your blogs, I do. You are an inspiration to me. You are a fighter where I tend to stick my head in the sand. I wish I could do that sometimes.

I love you and I always pray for you. You are a precious daughter and friend for me. Normal/Abnormal? Who really knows? Who really cares? Only God and He meets you right where you are and moves you from glory to glory. People come and go and for good reason. Sometimes we have to clean house and take assessments on who is enriching our lives and whose lives we are enriching. If this is not being done, then it could be time to move on. Never stop praying for them and loving them but just know "it was a season".

I love you and I am proud of you.

Kim said...

HEY! YOU JUST LOL'D!!! (hee hee)

Love this post ... everything about it makes sense. So much I can relate to. Some of my closest and dearest friends live in SC, MD, and TX.

Breaks my heart but I know that it God's divine purpose. It has certainly made me wonder "why" but I am trying desperately to rest in His authority on this.

Prayers for your day to be one that gives glory to Him ... even in the trenches. After it is all said and done, and we clear away all the junk, that really is all that matters, right?

Blessings Amanda!!!

Wendy said...

He is making you more like Him everyday. Keep seeking His face.

I ♥ you!

Kate said...

awww amanda... first, here's a big warm bear (((hug))).
second, don't worry. we ALL have those days. run after him, and he will chase you down!
and if you had a bad school day, write it off as that - a bad school day. take a day off to rest and revive, have some fun. if a child hits a wall, close the books and take a break. it's the easy and that beautiful. remember, it's not just the academics we get to develop, but the relationship too! have some FUN today - and keep on KEEPING IT REAL! that's what's soooo beautiful about you!


Stacey said...

Oh my word. I hear you on the being burned by loving too much and letting others in only to be disappointed. :(

You are about the most real person I know. It is refreshing and scary all at the same time - you are like a fire! I am at times mesmerized by you and you are hands down one of my favorite people in the whole universe.

Have you read Dinner with a Perfect Stranger? Well, at my last dinner on this earth, if I could have my family there plus a few more, YOU would be at that table. You bring such joy, such zeal for life, and such truth to wherever you are. It blesses me immensely.
Screw the people that get offended! Ha!

I am honored to know you and call you friend. I am glad you wrote this post and shared what was going on. I am in awe of what our King is doing in you and through you by your vulnerability.

I love you.

Believe in the Love He has for you. And the love He has given you through us.

Christy said...

Girl if we are all really honest and REAL about the matter we are all wretched and we are all in need of a savior... it LEVEL at the foot of the cross. We all have things that aren't normal but if we are focused on what isn't normal in our own lives how in the world could we possibly judge you or someone else for what isn't so called 'normal' in his or her life. And I can SO relate to your expectations of love. I have come to find that I have to love with expecting NOTHING in return. I keep asking God to change me in this area instead of the person I am wanting love in return from. I have found if I don't expect I can't be disappointed. In all reality people some times can't return love because they too aren't 'normal' LOL!! I have been following your blog for 5 years.. I feel I 'KNOW' you and have never once laid my eyes on you face to face. If you weren't being so raw I'd not be able to believe you are so real. I however believe with all my heart that you are just like me, trying to live day by day in this world. That is pretty real to me. I don't read pretty pictures of fairytales.. I see your every day life as a mother and wife. God says the TRUTH will always make you free.. keep speaking truth friend because you are right, someone is reading and you are making a difference in someonese life. And I am a firm believer its more than ONE someone b/c I am someone.

Anonymous said...

I love your honesty. I was just talking to a mentor/friend of mine yesterday, and she gave me a compliment. I told her that it makes me a little uncomfortable when people say to me, "you're so nice", because I don't feel nice...I struggle mentally trying to be nice and not selfish. She said, "Julie, you're just way more honest than most people." That made me feel good because I think she has a good point. Often I feel crazy because of my struggles, but I'm pretty sure everyone has them.

I feel bad when I read about how some of your friends make you feel. I would probably be one of them if I was your friend. It wouldn't be intentional, but I'm very uncomfortable with getting too emotionally close to people. I wasn't close to my parents growing up and felt very rejected, so I find it hard to trust that people really do care about me. I guess I just wanted you to understand that many times it might just be your friends's struggle. You sound like such a great person. Your passion for God is beautiful.


Anonymous said...

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
Becca from TN

V. said...


Anonymous said...

Oh my WOW!! You will never know on this side of Heaven how much this post blessed me! Thank you for being REAL!!

Karen Hammons