Monday, April 26, 2010

What is enough?

I have erased everything I have typed a couple of times now. It's one of those days. The Monday morning blues keep me from being able to communicate how I am feeling. There have been times in the past when I just "vomit" out all of my emotion in blog posts and many of you appreciate the honesty but after I let my "Vomit" simmer, I regret. So it's a new thing for me to think on things, allow myself to feel things and then sit. I do not like to sit. I like to take action! Right now I don't really have anything to take action on. I know what I need to be doing each day. I promise not to "vomit", although morning sickness could make me a liar but I am going to "share". 

The most important thing for me to do each and every day is be a wife, a mom and a teacher. If I know that, why do I wake up today and struggle with whether or not I am doing a good job? I don't doubt my place. I don't question my calling. I do question whether or not I am doing it right or like everyone else. Am I doing enough? 

My Mom called a few minutes ago. She is in route to my house. When we moved a month ago, we moved to a beautiful area. Instead of being right off the interstate on flat land, we are now nestled away several miles off the interstate. Mom loves the Hill Country and loves driving a back way instead of the "busy" way. So she typed my address in her trusty little GPS and headed my way. I called to check in on her and to find out where she was. Well, she was in a town I had never heard of before.Then she explained she was going a new route the GPS was taking her. Instantly I began to worry because when she gets lost, she gets emotional. She assured me she was not lost. Twenty minutes later my phone rang and she was near tears and extremely agitated. "Mom, you need to find I35. If you can get on 35, I can get you here." "Well, I don't know where 35 is or I would." We hung up and she called back again. "I'm in Belton on 35." Now I know exactly where she is and exactly how to direct her to my house. What started as a pretty drive soon became a "I don't know where the heck I am" drive. Not fun!

After hanging up the phone, I could not help but smile. My Mom's mishap with the GPS reminds me so much of my own journey as a wife and mother. I sometimes try to change things up or do something different just to feel better about myself. I think "If I could just do it this way or do it like she (someone I am comparing myself to at that moment) does it, it will be so much better." Soon I find myself "lost" and feeling out of control. At times I am so far off the path I KNOW works, I can't find my way back to it. 

As this School year comes to an end and I prepare to do something "new" next year, I want to make sure I don't plug into someone else's ideas or thoughts and try to make them my own. I have tried to sit down and read Little House On The Prairie to my kids and I hate it. I tried for several days. They were not interested, I was bored, they were bored. I found myself upset and frustrated. When I try to be someone I am NOT, I always end up feeling down on myself. I don't enjoy Chronicles of Narnia or Little House On The Prairie. I don't enjoy sitting around reading books I feel no connection to so I am not going to force myself to do it just because I admire someone else who does. 

The great thing is, I don't have to be something I am not. The truth is I am much better at being the woman God created me to be. I am a fun Mom and because I am fun my kids know how to have fun! We will stick to our books we enjoy. We like to read about worms and snakes and monsters. We like to play games. We like to read about Adventure and gross stuff. We also like to read about ballet dancers and princesses and football and basketball. As the kids get older they may enjoy Chronicles of Narnia but for now we pretty much like bugs and stories of kids who eat fried worms. Works for me!

So if you are like me and wake up some days feeling like you don't know if what you are doing is enough, just be yourself. Your kids like "yourself" more than they like anyone else. Plus if you are comfortable with yourself, they learn to do the same. I don't want to copy other Moms for every idea. I want to use the creativity God gave me. I want to the the Mom to my four children GOD wants me to be. 

Looking ahead at the Summer and thinking about the curriculum I will order, I want to make sure I am doing what I know God called me to do. I don't want to do what everyone else is doing because I am not everyone else. I am ME. 

Sometimes it's nice to plug in the address of your destination to the GPS and allow it to take you somewhere new. But when you see that the GPS is taking you far from your destination, it's good to go back to what you know works.

Lesson of the day? Be yourself Amanda. Don't try to be like anyone else. You are perfect in His sight. Stick to what you know. If you KNOW you are doing exactly what He called you to do, that is enough.


Kim said...

Yes! I fall into this sort of thinking/comparing trap and it makes me crazy!!!

I have tried and failed at a Classical approach to homeschooling and as much as it seems to make sense and seem "oh-so-academic" it just isn't me and I really struggle connecting with it, like you said.

I remember when Hannah was small and I first heard of reading chapter books to little ones from a dear friend of mine. I also tried reading from books (like Narnia) and between the fidgety kids and elaborate story lines I was about to pull my hair out!

We went back to favorites like Mrs. Piggle Wiggle & Magic Treehouse books :)

You are finding your groove, momma! Your way is the absolute best way for the Hayes family :) Enjoy your visit with your momma!

Kelly said...

Wow! There is a lot of wisdom packed in this post! I will be copying parts of this in my journal as reminders... good stuff, girl!

Stacey said...

Thank you for the encouragement! It's hard to not compare, BUT so worth it. I love the analogy of the GPS & getting lost. That happens to me on both levels so I am writing that down so I can refer back to it when I am "off the path" of where I am supposed to be.


Oh, and I am with you & Kim on the books thing. We read everything and (almost) anything that the kids express interest in! And we love Magic Tree House!

Christy said...

WOW WOW WOW I don't wake up usually thinking these things - I go to bed thinking them and then can't sleep. I lay awake and cry. HA HA NO joke. My son was THREE before he even wanted to read a book at all but he loves it now. And he loves worms, spiders, horses and cowboys. I also have OUR routine I work with and am not going to compare it to anyone else because we aren't 'normal' BUT we are 'normal' for us. LOL Thank you for your heart... even though our situations are different it still reminds me that what I do is enough and I don't have to compare. I love you sweet friend. You are beautiful - inside and out!

Christina said...

In all my homeschooling research I have realized (by trial and error and many mistakes!!!) that not ONE homeschooling "method" fits my family 100%. But there are so many aspects of each method that I love so I glean and adapt what I like to our lives but leave the rest that doesn't fit. Sounds like you are the same. I like to call my method "Hodgepodge Homeschooling"....imagine the looks I get when homeschooling mamas ask me what "method" I use. HA! Luv yas!!!!