Monday, November 29, 2010


(Typed in the bathtub. The only quiet place I know. :) )

The last few months have been very difficult. While we were anticipating the new arrival of our son, I was struggling with control or lack there of. My body was tired and in pain and all I could think about was having my baby boy. Homeschool was hard to do each day because my emotions were all over the place but we got through it!

Finally Jude arrived and arrived perfectly! It was an incredible moment in my life I will cherish forever! All of the births of my children have been special but this one was different in many ways.

Soon after we got home, I found myself struggling with change. I felt out of control again. My body was feeling the effects of child birth but my mind was ready to divide and conquer. Not gonna happen! The other three kids were acting like monsters while Jude was peaceful. I've always had difficult newborns but thank God for Jude because the Lord KNEW I needed a calm baby.

Then two weeks later my grandmother unexpectedly dies of a massive heart attack and we travel all over the state of Texas for four days with a newborn. During that time I got the stomach flu and felt like I was dying. Jeremy was lifting my body out of the bed to nurse or pump. It was hell.

Thanksgiving was at my house and with mom's help, it was a success. I got all my Christmas decorations up and enjoyed the week off. But I knew today was coming. I knew it would be our first official day back at the Homeschool table and I knew it would be hard on ALL.

Last night before bed, we sat as a family in the living room and did the first devotion for the Jesse Tree. PEACE was the focus of the devotion. I looked up at my mantle where stocking holders spell PEACE (we need an extra stocking holder for the family of 6). Then I saw the dove hanging on my tree that said PEACE. I even though of my tattoo on the back of my neck that is a dove which symbolizes PEACE. Loud and clear I could hear my heavenly Father say "Peace has been stolen from your home and your spirit but you can get it back."

So my friends, I'm in a battle for peace. I want things to be perfect so badly but when I strive for perfection, I steal peace from myself and those around me every single time.

Every two to three hours I sit down to nurse Jude. It's peaceful. Sometimes it's hard because of the other three kids but for the most part, it's peaceful. It's the moments I can cry, pray and just sit and listen for God's voice. I cherish it. I don't feel guilty for dozing off or relaxing, it's time with Jude where God seems to center me and remind me that I'm in the midst of living out my dreams. I'm right where I need to be. And if History or Science doesn't get done today, the day has still been a success because I've been in the center of HIS will.
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