Thursday, January 13, 2011

in the trenches! Big time!

Up until this point Homeschool hasn't been this hard. We have had our days, our weeks and moments when things are difficult but what we are experiencing now is full blown HELL (well, I think so)!

I could say it's due to all the changes in our home with having a new baby. Maybe. But he is the easiest part of my day. Sure I am tired so we get a late start to each day, that could be it too. But I feel like I am doing all the right things. I have cut History and Science out (even after spending $300 on it) for now. I have tried to be creative with how I divide our time. I have had consistent "circle times" with prayer and God's word and I have allowed breaks for them to play. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and it seems like it is getting harder. I don't have to explain to you (if you are a homeschooler) what is making things so hard. You know. 

I will not consider public school just because Homeschool is hard. Public school is not the answer and it sure as heck will not correct the sin nature in my children. They need discipling and that can only be done (at this stage of their life) by parents. When marriage struggles arise we do not consider divorce. We will not discuss divorce just because it is hard. Now some may feel this is an extreme parallel I am making but Homeschooling IS extreme. It is about a choice and sticking with your choice. I am an ALL or NOTHING person and I do not wish to quit Homeschool because it is hard. I believe with all of my heart that they will have a better education this way. I believe they will have better character and grow up more secure and be secure adults, secure husbands and wives, secure mothers and fathers. I believe in Homeschool or I never would have committed to it. So, how do I get through these tough times? What can I do differently? What am I doing wrong? How can I turn this around and get us all back on track? I am discouraged.

Right now God is teaching me something in this area with my children. I do not know what but I know it is something HUGE. I saw a quote the other day that said "God is preparing you in private for something in the public." Maybe one day I will be teaching other young moms with young children how to approach days like this, how to have victory. Or maybe this is just about me and God. I have called Jeremy a lot this week and every single time I call him crying he says, "You just keep going. You keep doing it. You don't give up. Sooner or later they will get it." That must be how Christ feels with us. He never gives up. He continues pursuing us, loving us and teaching us no matter how many times we fail.

During circle time yesterday, I explained to them that when they do not instantly OBEY, they are choosing to join hands with the enemy. "You are partnering with evil." I shared scripture, we prayed and all seemed well. It appeared to have been a light bulb/Holy Ghost moment! But just a few minutes later all hell broke loose. I went into my room and cried. We have a good day, we have a bad day, good day, bad day. 

I am not quitting but I have hit a dead end. I don't know how to get peace back to the school table. But I trust God. I trust Him even when He is silent. I trust Him even when I can't "feel" him. I trust that He still sits on the throne and there is a jewel in all of this. I look forward to Him revealing to me something new.

Honestly, I am a little down. When I am down, I turn inward. I don't want to talk, text, hang out or anything. I need space. It may not be the healthiest way for me to handle it but everyone telling me "You are doing a great job!" isn't going to help me because I don't believe it. I feel like I am failing.

Once I get on the other side of this I pray I can help some of you through the hard days of homeschool. It is the most amazing thing in this world to do but the hardest. I beat myself up over so many things and I never feel like I am doing enough. My prayer today is that my Father in Heaven will show me, CONVINCE me that I am doing enough. Yes, I am asking for my God to CONVINCE me. 

Just sharing my honest heart,