Friday, March 23, 2012

A Call to Anguish...again!

I had an entire blog post written that I wanted to share, but the Lord stopped me. I am so thankful I can sense when He is showing me "when" and "when not to" share ALL of my thoughts. Something ALL bloggers should keep in mind. But this morning I keep thinking about David Wilkerson. Last Summer I listened to a powerful video put out by All of the videos are amazing, but David Wilkerson had just died and this was the one that went viral. David Wilkerson was a truth teller. He sought out the truth no matter what and he was constantly scrutinized for doing so. I listened to the video again this morning and sobbed like a baby. I feel convicted in so many areas of my life right now. But I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit always draws me back to the deep rooted truth inside of me.

Some would look at this stage of pregnancy as a "hormonal time", but the Holy Spirit is showing me that this is a time to embrace. Insecurity can often be an overwhelming feeling that springs up due to past hurt or it can be discernment. My emotions are raw right now but I am going to embrace them. They draw me to the truth. They make me bury my head in scripture and remind me of the incredible job I have as a wife and mother.

I have amazing relationships in my life. Friendships I have prayed for. I have an amazing husband who leads me, but allows me to process "outloud". My kids are amazing gifts! They amaze me with their love and faith for our Lord, Jesus. Homeschool is challenging (at this stage of pregnancy) but fulfilling and life-changing. I feel blessed beyond measure. And I have this beautiful little boy, Israel, growing inside of me. I am truly living my dreams. This is enough. I don't need anything else. The Lord has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. (Ephesians 3:20)

Even so, I am struggling. Sometimes I struggle behind closed doors and you never know it, but there are other times when I feel like I am in "anguish". It's interesting. As I prepare for the birth of my 5th child and 4th son, Israel, I am reminded of why I chose his name. After our gender sonogram, I sat at the park with a friend talking about names. When I mentioned the name Israel, she gasped. She instantly loved it. We began to talk about Jacob and how he wrestled with God. After Jacob wrestled with God, God changed his name to Israel. (Genesis 32:1-33:11) She said, "Amanda, this is you! This is how you work through things. You wrestle and fight for truth and then God does something awesome in your life."  

Her words have really been on my mind today. Her words make me feel like it's okay to wrestle. It's okay to ask questions. It's okay to doubt. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to keep wrestling and searching for truth. Israel was conceived during a season of "wrestle". We were praying about our family size, praying about theology, praying about moving, praying about so many things. We wrestled, yet conceived. Powerful just thinking about it!

People are afraid to wrestle because it shakes the ground beneath them. They can't fathom what will be on the other side so they sit and do nothing. But there is such blessing in the "wrestle". It is how things are birthed in our lives. It's how we learn to trust God. And HE trusted Jacob enough to wrestle him!

I'm wrestling. I am grunting and groaning and totally uncomfortable. The more I search His word and seek truth for my life and for my family, the more I wrestle with this world we live in. I see how Satan so easily sneaks into things and it scares me. That's why this morning I feel like the Holy Spirit reminded me of David Wilkerson's words last Summer.

The enemy is a deceiver and wiggles his way into everything. This should frightened us to our CORE. We should never stop wrestling! The anguish is where beautiful things are birthed and lives are changed forever!

"Build the walls around your family, build the walls around your own heart. It will make you strong and impregnable against the enemy."

No comments: