The past week has been a hard week for me. Well, okay the past two weeks. I've had sick kids, a very tired husband, a very stressed out husband and many nights where I have missed out on a whole lot of sleep. As parents, we have to be the strongest humans in the world. Seriously, with all of the sleep we lose and the way we are able to find a way to function, despite sleep depravity, we are super humans! :)
I truly believe that my couple of bad weeks has a lot to do with the lack of sleep. But something I am realizing, something I realized this morning at 3:30am (the third time Ezekiel woke up) is I am praying a lot. I am praying a ton! And at one point this morning I began to think that maybe God is using Ezekiel to help me press in through prayer a little more.
After a year of bankruptcy, foreclosure, an SUV repossessed, losing our name, our credit, our reputation and all of our material possessions, we truly lost everything. Trying to recover from this has been the hardest thing I've ever faced in my marriage. The enemy has used this time in our life to try everything possible to get us to break down. At times I feel like I am actually able to see what's going on in the spiritual. I see the flaming darts coming our way before it ever hits us in the physical. Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. But this week I have had a huge revelation. It goes something like this. WE ARE BLESSED. We have our health, we have our family, we have each other. God has provided so much and on the days when I've wondered how we would buy milk and diapers, he's provided that very day. When we've needed new clothes, Jeremy's check has been more than we expected. We've still been able to buy snacks and diet coke from the grocery store. The kids love snacks and I love diet coke. :) I've still been able to cook meals, instead of eating grilled cheese every night or Ramen noodles. Occasionally we eat out for dinner and I've been able to buy things for the house when I am trying to decorate. It's been a struggle, no doubt. Every single time I buy something for myself, I feel guilty. I've gotten to the check out of the grocery store with new makeup I've needed or just a bottle of $3 nail polish, only to put it back. There is never a guilt free shopping trip for me, even if I am spending within reason.
I've been thinking a lot about how God provided for the children of Israel. When they were in Egypt, they ate meat. Now they are in the wilderness and have nothing. But God tells Moses that he will provide manna. Exodus 16:4Then the LORD said to Moses, "Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether or not they will walk in My instruction." Notice something about that verse? He told them to gather enough manna for ONE day. He didn't tell them to gather enough for the entire week but ONE day. Most of us, all of us, want to know what tomorrow holds. We want to know what it looks like, how we will get there and if it will be okay. One of the most difficult things I face in my Christian walk is trusting God for tomorrow's manna. And apparently, HE knew that. Of course he knew that. So I believe he has me in this season for a reason. It's a season where I am learning to trust him day by day. If I have to eat manna for forty-years, that's what I'll do. If it means I am in God's will eating bread instead of eating steak, I'll take it.
Jeremy and I have been talking non-stop lately about our move from Dallas to Austin. Even though we were in the midst of financial tragedy, he had a job that paid thirty thousand more than the one he has now. The checks he gets now for two weeks are checks he would get in Dallas for less than what he would get in one week. We had family members telling us we would not make it and that we could not live on Jeremy's new pay. And at times I've wondered if they were right but, if we were not here, we would never be able to see how incredible God's provision is. Every single time I think the paycheck is impossible to live on, He provides. Nothing has been turned off, nothing has been threatened to be turned off. Nothing has been late, except the water bill I forgot to pay. We've continued to tithe, we've continued to be blessed.
My prayer time this week, at all hours of the night, God has shown me so much. He has showed me how every single thing Jeremy and I are going through is a day by day thing. We don't know what he is doing with us or what's next, but we know that he has provided enough manna for today. I can't share with you right now all the things God is doing and showing us but I do know that when we left Dallas, we crossed the Jordan and left our Egypt.
Joshua 3:14 So the people left their camp to cross the Jordan, and the priests who were carrying the Ark of the Covenant went ahead of them. 15 It was the harvest season, and the Jordan was overflowing its banks. But as soon as the feet of the priests who were carrying the Ark touched the water at the river’s edge, 16 the water above that point began backing up a great distance away at a town called Adam, which is near Zarethan. And the water below that point flowed on to the Dead Sea until the riverbed was dry. Then all the people crossed over near the town of Jericho. 17 Meanwhile, the priests who were carrying the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant stood on dry ground in the middle of the riverbed as the people passed by. They waited there until the whole nation of Israel had crossed the Jordan on dry ground.
