Isaiah 54:17

Isaiah 54:17

17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper,

And every tongue which rises against you in judgment

You shall condemn.

This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,

And their righteousness is from Me,”

Says the LORD.

I've been so guarded here lately.  A few of you have noticed I keep details to a minimum and share only the positive.  On occasion I will share the struggle but I am so careful because in my life I have shared too much with too many people who did not have my best interest at heart.  Something my husband has helped me figure out is that some of the "guts" of my life are to be shared only with a certain few. But tonight I just can't go to bed without sharing because I know that I am not ALONE.  I know so many of you often feel like I do and if there is anything I can share in my "process" to give you hope, I want to do that.  If me risking my pride will allow God to use me as a vessel, then let me pour it out.

It's been almost four years since I have had a baby. I don't remember a lot about how I felt emotionally except for the beginning of pregnancy. In the beginning they are incredibly difficult but I had forgotten what they were like in the end.  I truly believe my hormones and the enemy have decided to co-partner in terrorizing my emotions and after today I know that I have got to take the control back.

This afternoon I poured my heart out, sobbing like a baby to my best friend, Kelly Ann. She knows my so well.  She has knows that I remain very much like that fourteen year old girl who constantly doubted herself.  She has lived through me doubting her, believing at any moment she will no longer be my friend. She has lived through so much of my insecurity and there is great comfort in that.  There have not been very many people who have stuck around in my life.  I love with my whole heart and many times those I have loved the most have been the ones I later find out were never truly my friend.  For years I have listened to people tell me I need to be on medicine or I need counseling or some other sort of diagnosis when in truth, they are just like me. The difference between me and most people is that instead of keeping my struggles to myself, I share them.  Even when they are up and down and all over the place, I share them.  I tend to show my cards and be transparent so it's easy then for me to become some one's scapegoat and I am so tired of being that.  For the past eight months I have been able to to live free of that and not the labels others have put on me to dictate my emotions. 

Some would think it is sad that I no longer open up as easily or become friends with people as easily but really, it's GROWTH for me.  I don't want to be friends with everyone and I don't want to force a friendship that isn't right for me. I don't want to have a TON of people in my life. I enjoy the few.  I am not as loud as I used to be. I am not as outgoing. I'm guarded, cautious and private. I've learned that my gregariousness and affection is not to be shared with the masses. It's reserved for those only in my inner circle.  But this new part of me is also very difficult.  The brakes I now put on is something new.  People seemed to have liked me more when I was outgoing.  It was easier to make friends but it was hard keeping them.  Now it's harder to make them but I believe in the long run, it will be easier to keep them.  

So why was I crying on the phone to Kelly?  My emotions.  I am in the middle of building a friendship and I am so scared that I truly don't even know how to be. And even though the change in my life has been so miraculous and amazing, I must confess that I am struggling with a big issue. Trust. My trust gage is broken so badly that I do not know how on earth God is going to heal it. I know He will but I know the process is going to require a huge amount of faith on my part. Each time I take a step in trust, I begin to hear the voices of people in the past who have hurt me and the mean things they would say about me.  I've been accused of having a mental illness (funny! i think that would be easier to handle because medicine can help that and if I did have this mental illness, me getting pregnant would be out of the question. I was on zoloft for a while for panic attacks. Best thing I ever did! But God healed me.). It's been said that I am not a good friend (that kills). I'm insecure (true). I can't keep friends (true on occasion). I crave the spotlight (not true but I do tend to have gifts that put me there). The list goes on and on but those are a few that really hurt me and they have hurt my husband. Oh and it was said that I don't love people and the same person who said that said that they did not believe I was SAVED. My problem many times has been, I love the wrong people. And my salvation? 100% ROCK SOLID!! 

It's hard to share these things here because I know that I still have people reading this blog who want me to fail. They are not for me but against me. So giving any mention to their hateful words isn't fun but I know that me exposing these lies will also allow my Father to expose the enemy.  He is a liar. He uses Christian people to destroy others and I pray that I will NOT be someone he uses.

The thing is, I am just like some of you. Working through the past can be a life time process and loving others can be a scary thing. But when we tend to struggle through things like this, we beat ourselves up and self loath. At least I do. So I want to share something with you that my best friend emailed me today. You will instantly know WHY she is my best friend. I am so proud that she loves me. She has been the most incredible example to me of loyalty, honesty, integrity, stability and godliness. She represents so much of what I want to be known for. I know her words will be a healing balm to some of you. If you are a skimmer when you read, I've already lost you because this is a LONG post. But if you are hurting in any way or struggling with emotions like I am, I know the Holy Spirit has brought you here to read this. It's been a while since I have felt this way but I am thankful because He has me in His arms. My intimacy with Jesus Christ only gets stronger in the fire.

Here's what Kelly said.

I know we just got off the phone, but I wanted to write you something anyway. I have a verse for you. I've been praying it over you since Monday.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (New International Version)

3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Here is my heart about these verses:

1. You are right. The moment you begin giving credit to God for the work done in you and in your family, you need to be ready for an onslaught. It sucks, but at least you know it's coming. God has given you a platform that reaches A LOT of people. Satan doesn't want your story told...because it's powerful.

2. The things people have said to you or about you are rooted in their own lack of relationship with Christ and in their own insecurities. Again, it sucks, but it's true. Everything they said falls into one of these categories: (1) just plain false, (2) were once true but are no longer, or (3) currently under refinement/construction. Wherever they land, they all contradict verse 5a. They contradict who you know God to be, who he is in you and in who he is making you to be.

3. What I have really been praying is verse 5b...taking every thought captive. It's always been easy for me to assign this verse to guys, their lust and their eyes. It applies to us women as well for the exact reason you stated today...we hear something and chew on it, pick it apart, obsess over it, lose sleep over it, analyze it then analyze it all over again. Let me stress the word WE again. WE ALL do this! You are not a lone ranger on this one. This verse, however, tells us how to combat these kind of attacks. WE TAKE IT CAPTIVE!! We enslave it. We make it OUR prisoner, not the other way around. We dominate it. Every time one of those thoughts enters my mind, I immediately have to stop, give it to Christ, and remind myself who and what He says I am. I am his chosen. You are his chosen. I am his daughter. You are his daughter. And we are just two messed up people moving forward. This sequence of events may happen in my journal or out loud or both. There are days when I feel like I have to do this every second or every minute. Some days not so much.

She ended with some stuff only meant for my eyes that I can't share but what she said above can bring truth to every woman I know! How blessed I am to have a friend who is praying verses over me! And I trust her! She has watched me hurt so much of my life as a teenager and she has been able to be a part of the healing victories in my life as an adult. THAT IS FRIENDSHIP!  It takes time and it's rare to have one like the one I have with her. She gives more than I do and shows her love more than I do but remains patient as I learn to do those things. She is a true gift. If you are hurting right now or working through something, I pray Kelly's Words can free you up like they did me. This is what LIFE GIVING words are all about!

Why the Lord has decided to bring me through some things NOW when I am the MOST vulnerable to emotions, I do not know. But I trust He has something incredible for me! As I get ready to give birth to this precious life inside of me, I know I will also be giving birth to something new spiritually. I trust my Lord 100%! I don't have to live under those labels people have given me. I told my friend Tiffany the other day that I've been like a girl scout with new patches. Someone says something about me and I take it home, sew it on and wear it as a patch. NOT ANYMORE! I won't live under those lies anymore! If I do, I am sinning. When I am sinning, I am putting myself in the center of Satan's target. I'm taking myself off his radar screen and immersing myself in the powerful love and TRUTH of JESUS. And as far as these pregnancy hormones go, so be it! They have just allowed me to feel the rawness of change/growth that much sooner! God has done amazing things in my marriage and home and Satan is ticked. I know I am bound for greatness or he wouldn't even bother! Feels awesome to be in the CENTER of God's will.

And I am posting this before I do any spell check or grammar check! Otherwise I will chicken out!

Redeemed,

Amanda