you lose!

I've always loved Wynonna Judd and teased Jeremy for a while when I was pregnant with Ava Beth that I was going to name her Wynonna. She has always been someone who has a story of pain but always ends up getting back up to fight and win! Because of that, she has incredible influence on so many people. 

When I found out she was going to be on Oprah this week, I had to dvr the episode.  I just had a chance to watch it today when we finished up School and there were so many things she said that I loved!  "In my darkest hour I had a choice to make -- I could be a victim or a victor." I LOVE THAT!  And I feel like in many ways that I have made it my life's calling to be THE VICTOR.  I hate to stay down. I hate to stay stuck. I hate to run away from things. I like to face the enemy head on. No one enjoys being around a victim.  

Another thing she said was that she has learned to share everything. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly and while it has been her greatest strength, it has also been her greatest burden.  When she said that, my eyes instantly welled up with tears. That is exactly how I feel! Wynonna said that when she was in the airport one day that someone asked her "Why do you share all of that dirty laundry with the world?" and she explained to Oprah that she has decided to share the gross parts because she wants to be a teacher. She wants God to use her to help teach others.  And that's what I want God to use me for!

For about five minutes this morning I removed a couple of posts on my blog.  It seems like in the last couple of days I have opened pandora's box and things are flying at me from out of no where. And really, it's not from out of no where!  Even though I have been attacked by other people, RANDOM attacks, I had to realize that my battle was not with those questioning my choices. My battle was with the enemy. I did not get there all on my own. I had a pretty incredible phone call this morning from someone I look up to more than anyone else in my life. She said "Throwing your pearls to the swine also means your tears too. Don't give people your time and tears." I had never thought of it that way. WOW! And my blog posts are up! I will not run, I will not be embarrassed or regretful for my story and my process in life. I will embrace the fact that I have GUTS to share the yucky stuff.

So often in my life I have given others control because of how I have handled their words about me. Today I was able to separate some things.  Where they were coming from, who they were coming from and whether or not what they were saying lined up with the WORD.  Criticism and judgement thrown my way this week was not coming from people I was in covenant with and based on the delivery method of their words it was not coming from a place of integrity either. Furthermore, their words DID NOT match up to how God feels about me either. This is where the scripture I posted last night came into play. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  So thanks to Kelly's word and telling me to take those thoughts PRISONER and not allow them to take ME prisoner, I won the battle. Me and my Lord, Jesus who died on the cross for me won the battle!

My husband asked me "Why do you care? These are not people who you have a relationship with so why would you allow their words to hurt you."  That's a man for you! He's wanting to protect and help me so I knew he would say what he did. I love him for it! But I explained to him that if you are standing on the side of the road and someone walks by and punches you in the face, it hurts. You may not know the person or care about what they think but physically it still hurts. Same with this! When you have a blog, you have to be ready for people to misinterpret your words often. Your words will be twisted. Your words will be challenged and people will form an opinion about you based on what you write. I've blogged for five years and I expect it. I can't even begin to tell you how many emails I get challenging me. I have NEVER mentioned being against public school on my blog. NEVER. But some readers (several) have sent me emails expressing concern about how I have made them feel. This morning I got an email where someone feared I was being "sucked in" by my Homeschooling network to breast feed etc. I smile because I do not have a homeschool network. I wish I did. Also there was concern that I have used scripture to say that a "big family" is what God wants for others and that I have basically pushed that belief. I was not hurt by this because I knew instantly that it was false. I have never said those things or even remotely made mention of it. But it hurt that she was feeling that about me.

My life and testimony is such a MIRACLE that I have huge passion for everything I am doing. It was GOD who gave me the desire to have more children. NOT ME!  And anyone who has read this blog or spent time with me knows that HE did something radical in my life. But if you skim through my blog posts then you miss how much I talk about the way God has changed me. I always share the process and I believe that is why people keep coming back to read, EVEN those who do not agree.

But let's get a few things settled.

*If you don't Homeschool, reading this blog may be difficult for you to read. If you read and feel that I am saying you are not a good Mom because you send your child to public school, then you are not relying on truth because I do not say that. NEVER. Would I love for every single Mom I know to homeschool? YES! And many of you have asked me questions about homeschool because you are interested and most of you still choose NOT to Homeschool. I have NEVER said anything bad about ANY of you. So whatever you feel about your choice is what you have put on yourself. I see plenty of Moms say ugly things about homeschool but I do not do that to you. Don't do it to me!

*If you do not breast feed your babies, guess what? I barely have! This 4th child will be my FIRST true attempt at truly trying to breastfeed and I am excited! To come to a conclusion that I think formula feeding is wrong and selfish is false because all three of my others eventually were on formula. Ezekiel breast fed for two days and I thought it was too hard. But now I feel CONVICTED to be more diligent and give it a try. I don't have issues with milk supply so there is no reason why I can't. 

*If you feel I am extreme, maybe quit reading. I am extreme. I am willing to pursue Jesus will all of my heart and share what he teaches me along the way. If my life brings conviction on yours, I won't take that burden on.

*If you email me and I do not respond, it's because I no longer have time to reach out to everyone and respond. And when I don't, I have felt guilty and I don't want to feel that anymore. If you leave comments regarding how I do not respond to your emails or ask me personal questions, I will NOT post your comment. And would you really want me to?

*I am a GODLY woman who has been set free from a past full pf pain. I did not have lunch money growing up, I lived without electricity for several months when I was 12, my dad used to cut into his arms while he was drunk and made me watch. I was abandon, abused and had people withhold love for me my ENTIRE life. So I am a Spirit filled woman of God who has beaten the odds.  Satan had many plans for my life but JESUS had better ones! I am a trophy in God's hands that he flashes in Satan's face DAILY! So I am going to ask you to please respect my STORY. It's MY STORY, not your story. If you don't like what I write and want to pick it apart and look for areas where I am missing the mark, go somewhere else. What you are doing is not GODLY and I won't allow you to label me with untruths.

I love what Wynonna Judd said, "That doesn't work for me." She said that when someone is trying to get her to see a different point of view and she doesn't agree, she says "That doesn't work for me." So if what I write about or what I LOVE doesn't sound good to you, then just kindly move along and tell yourself "That doesn't work for me" because IT DOES WORK FOR ME.

The enemy has tried to take me back down a path I've already been down and demolished. Ever since I posted the blog post "My Exodus Route" a few days ago, hell has broken loose! Now I am just going to laugh in his face because I've obviously hit the enemy's nerve. I'm not fighting people, I am fighting him. I quit apologizing for who I am over a year ago and I am not going to start doing it again.

I am a victor and will continue to write about natural childbirth, homeschool, marriage and how AWESOME mine is, kids, breastfeeding and more. It's MY story and I have lots more to tell. 

So this is for the evil one, the one who roams around looking for ways to destroy me. YOU LOSE!

Celebrated, loved, adored, cherished and LIKED,

Amanda


(and please do not email me about this post! I will not respond.)